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| Do you know the difference between a white fairy tale and a black fairy tale? A white fairy tale starts out "Once upon a time --" A black fairy tale starts "ya'll aint going to belive this shit!" ------------------ Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. "Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!" ------------------- Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!! -------------------------------- Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts The Difference... Women have more imagination than men do. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. The Style... Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want. The Workplace... When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch. Women are the only exploited group in history who has been idealized into powerlessness. Relationships... Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential"). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up. It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence. Love... Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her. To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Marriage... A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn't. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage Husbands... Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing. Wives... Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year. The Battle... A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. On Men... If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. Men are like animals, but they make great pets. On Women... Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. Women have two weapons: cosmetics and tears. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ------------------------------------------- A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING: --------------------- CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. .... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE. .... you cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE. My puppy does this, too. I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. OF COURSE I LOVE YOU. .... just not in that way. YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen. WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends. A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY. I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY. I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED. I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA PEE. Get out of the way. I'VE GOTTA GO. Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? I'd eventually like to have sex with you. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you. CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? I'd eventually like to have sex with you. CAN I GET YOUR COAT? I'd eventually like to have sex with you. LET ME GET YOUR DOOR. I'd eventually like to have sex with you. MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you. NICE DRESS! Nice cleavage! YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE. I want to fondle you! WHAT'S WRONG? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT'S WRONG? What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? WHAT'S WRONG? I guess sex tonight is out of the question. I'M BORED. Do you want to have sex? I LOVE YOU. Can we have sex now? I LOVE YOU, TOO. OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now! GOOD MORNING. That was great sex. Let's have more! SEE YOU LATER. That was great sex. Let's have more! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. $50 and it doesn't look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LET'S TALK, HONEY. I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME? I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b››b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b›b |
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