Miscellaneous - http://phatbowling.com/soulbabe/Christmas_Is

Well folks, it's that time of the year again. Feeling excited?
Man, the last Christmas of the Millenium. Actually, when people say that they are wrong. This is the second-to-last X-mas. The Millenium actually starts on the 1st January, 2001! Oh, yes it does. So there, all you stupid scientists.
You do know... what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts!

Hehehe, I like that one, being a female myself!
Oh, wait. Read this:

IMPORTANT NEWS FROM SANTA CLAUS:
A new contract for Santa Claus has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As
part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your
children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is
from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, he dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Boogie, on Wallace, on
Martin and Bunkie. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Doodie and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back
Off." The last I heard, it also had other decorations on the
sleighback as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race
through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus)
going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. And finally, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and kids turn the other way when he bends
over to put presents under the tree. Won't be long before Christmas,
so get ready. Sincerely yours,Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209)

Hehehe

soul_darcy@yahoo.com

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Page Updated Wed Dec 15, 1999 10:05am EST