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| Episode 5 "Do You Suffer From Long Term Memory Loss?" PART ONE!!! (Chaos is in a deep sleep, though her mind is not- it is full of devilish horror of the past, but now she awakens and it is not pretty.) C: AAAAaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHH!!!! (She quickly dials up Tony Samson- her close and only friend.) S: Hello (exhausted) C: Shades, I need to talk to you now! S: Can't this wait? Its three o'clock in the morning. C: No! I need to speak to you now? I think I know about my past! S: (mumbling)crazybitchcallatanormaltimeandletmesleep C: WHAT? S: Uh?I said I'll be right over (Shades starts up his Jag and sputters out of the driveway.) (He reaches Chaos's apartment and buzzes her.) C: Come on up, Shades. (He reaches her apartment and she lets him in.) S: So what's the problem? C: I remember what happened to me? Screen does goggle flashback thing and sends us 5 years back?. C: I was working at Fern and Rice law firm and I was in a huge case and that's when it happened? (cut back to present) S: Fern and Rice? Isn't that a Lipton's Sidekick? C: AS I WAS SAYING? S: Sorry. Go on. (Flashback returns [and no, that's not a 50s horror flick]) C: Your honor my client wanted this man out of her life forever so when she kicked him out she never intended for him to be back. Then he struck her your honor not once but twice and he pleads insanity! He knew exactly what he was doing that day because as we have shown you before he had transferred money from their account to his own personal account, and if he were insane he wouldn't have been able to remember the codes! Judge: (asleep) ZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZ SNNrrrrkk C: Your honor? Judge: Wha? Huh? Oh, yes, um?of course. (Meanwhile as the trial is taking break Shavaun Hendrickson of the opposing council meets with her boss.) Boss: Shavaun if you don't win this case I'm sorry but our going to be laid off. Shavaun: But sir why? Boss: You win as many cases as the Vancouver Grizzlies win basketball games is what I'm trying to say. Shavaun: The who sir? Boss: Let me put it this way you defend as well as Kevin Costner can act. Shavaun: Who sir? Boss: OK I'm pretty much saying you are horrible at winning cases. Shavaun: OK sir I understand. Boss: So Shavaun, you better win this case! (Shavaun leaves the office and thinks for a moment.) Shavaun: (Thinking) if I take her out permanently then it well give the court a recess so I can think this over some more and if she's gone I've got the cat in the bag. (Shavaun goes home and tries to find out what to use to take out Chaos permanently.) Shavaun: Gun? No to messy same as the knife. I could set her on fire?hmmm no that wouldn't work to well. I GOT IT! I'll hit her with my truck make it look like any accident! HaHa I'm brilliant! Owww, damn, my eye! I poked myself in the eye with my pencil, damn it! (That Night) (Shavaun waits in her truck quietly as she sees Chaos go into her favorite bar. 2 hours later Chaos comes out Shavaun hits the gas and speeds towards Chaos without her headlights on!) C: What was tha?.THUMP! Shavaun: Gotcha Ya Bitch HAHAHAHA? (Screen does goggle flashback thing again and we return to the present) C: The next thing I knew I was in the hospital with you by my side. S: So how did you know it was Shavaun? C: Because of her laugh?she was outside of court and I remembered her eerie laugh. S: So if you remember this much, do you remember you name? C: Yes. I think?its?E?d?Er?Erin, Erin Tanlock, that's it! S: Well you have a very nice name. C: Thank you. S: I'll tell you what tomorrow we'll start looking for her. C: Really? S: Of course we ain't got nothing better to do, but right now I got to get home and sleep. C: OK Tony see you tomorrow. S: Bye?Erin (And with that Shades went down to his Jag and headed home because tomorrow was going be a long day.) S: Tomorrow is gonna be a loooooong day. (I just said that.) S: Sorry. PART TWO!!!! (After a few hours of driving, several wrong turns, three or four collisions, and the incident with the chickens, Shades and Chaos have reached New York. They approach a toll gate just outside Buffalo) S: By the way, exactly where do we live? It's been hinted at that we're located in western Canada, yet it never takes more than three hours and forty-seven minutes to reach anywhere in North America, regardless of speed limits. C: Continuity be damned! Pay the toll, and let's find that woman. S: Excuse me, I wasn't the one who tried to pass the poultry truck and caused one of the greatest highway accidents of the decade. C: That's in the past. S: (pays toll) Yeah, but? C: I said it's in the past. Jeez, man, let it go already. S: (sighing) whatever. Let's just get this over with. Where does Hendrickson work? C: Uhh that's a good question. S: Oh crud. (They begin to search the city. "Someday I Suppose" by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones plays as we see the duo go into building after building, describing the woman from Chaos' memory, and receiving shrugs and apologetic smiles as a reply) (Seven hours later) S: I give up! We've searched nearly every law firm in Buffalo! C: And that's a lot. S: Yet we still have no idea as to where she is! Face it, Chaos, we might never find Shavaun Hendrickson. C: There has to be a way! Nearby a boy with skateboard: Shavaun Hendrickson? 187th St at Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith and Wasylkiewich Law. (Cruises off. They stare after him) C: Well, wasn't that convenient. Creepy, too. S: If I weren't so sure that no one knew we were here, I'd think it was a trap. C: Yeah? (Fifteen minutes later, they stand outside an old abandoned warehouse. A plywood sign, obviously new since the Paint is still wet, says "Snitch, Stitch, Switch, Sith & Wasylkiewich Law") C: Are you positive no one knows we're here, Shades? I mean, misspelling Smith once is bad enough, but four times? S: Positive. The only person I told was Boots. She's in charge while we're gone. (Cut to Shady Chaos Inc. HQ. Strobe lights flicker fast enough to give permanent retina damage, and dance music pounds loud enough to break most sorts of glass. A very drunk Boots is wearing a lampshade and belly dancing on Chaos' multi thousand dollar teak desk.) Partygoer: You go, girlfriend! (To DJ) Man, too bad she's too smashed to notice. Boots: (woozily) I heard thatsh! I am?cone?sold?stober! (Falls off desk giggling) (Seattle) C: I hate to sound cliché, but I have a bad feeling about this. S: About the state of the office when we get back, or the warehouse? C: Both. More so the warehouse. S: So? Like that's ever stopped us before. C: Good point. (They get semi-automatics from the back of the Jag and burst open the door) S: SCI! DON'T MOVE! (The warehouse is completely empty, save for empty crates piled around haphazardly and a small rat in the middle of the floor quaking in terror) C: How anticlimactic. Now I have a really bad feeling abou- Disembodied voice: MICROSOFT! DON'T MOVE! S: CRAP! Voice: WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! C: Aw, man! S: Way to go Chaos. C: What'd I do? S: Brought us here, for one thing! (Bipedal robots with MS logos emblazoned on their forehead, who look all too close to TPM's battle droids, march our bickering heroes over to a stack of crates. The crates open to reveal a hidden base, and the duo is escorted to a locked room. Two black-robed figures stand hidden behind a smoke screen.) Figure 1: So?we meet again. Figure 2: Yes?Erin? (They step forwards. Figure 2, a brunette woman, wears her hood down. She is the elusive Shavaun Hendrickson. The other keeps its face concealed, but long-time [relatively long-time] readers have no doubt as to whom it is) C: Shavaun! That was a low stunt you pulled, even for a desperate loser such as yourself. Hendrickson: That's as maybe?but who won the case? Hmmm? C: I did, didn't I? H: Well, yes. But I work for a new company now! With a great master, yes, a powerful and gracious master! Mysterious Figure: I am at that. But, Shady Chaos, your end draws near! No more will you interfere with my plans to control the world! H: Yes! Master speaks truth! What a genius, a brilliant master, so kind and terrible and magnificent? Figure: (disgusted) Get off, Hendrickson. You're drooling on my shoes. H: My apologies, Master. I'll lick it right off. Figure: As I was saying, your time has come! As soon as I finish my gloating, my Microsoft Bots will destroy you! And there's nothing you can do to stop me! H: Master speaks wisely! As long as he wears the watch containing the controls for the droids, you cannot defeat us! Figure: Good job, idiot. Now, if by some small chance I am distracted, they know how to escape. H: Oops. Figure: No matter. Not even my bumbling henchmen and henchwomen can detract from my moment of glory! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Take them away! (Shades and Chaos are locked inside a small metal closet. Two droids outside stand guard.) S: This. Stinks. C: Big time. Sorry about dragging you here. S: (thinking) YOU'D BETTER BE! (Out loud) I'm sure we'll get out. Voice of Droid 1: I'm terribly sorry, but Mistress Shavaun said you weren't to speak until the execution. (Beeping noises) Droid 1: Yes she did! I heard her, and so did you. (More bleeps. Meanwhile, Shades has remembered about the mini laser in his glasses) Droid 1: Well, since you seem so sure, tell me what she did say! (Buzzing and beeping) Droid 1: Such language! The company you keep Artoo. I'm surprised the Maker doesn't have you deactivated. (razberry noise. Shades is almost through the door. Chaos stands poised to bust it down when he's cut through.) Droid 1: Why, you worthless bucket of bolts! I could easily find a new counterpart. There are hundreds of droids who would love to be paired with me. (Whistling and beeps) Droid 1: Oh, wouldn't I? (Shades and Chaos come barreling out of the closet, cutting off the squat little unit's retaliation. They ignore the arguing pair and charge down the hallway looking for their enemy.) Droid 1: We're doomed. (Meanwhile, the Master and Hendrickson plan another lair to be located in Montana.) Master: What do you think, my pawn? Fire, brimstone, or fire and brimstone? H: Both, my Master. Master: No, I really don't think we should have both. H: Of course, Master. (Our heroes watch from their vantagepoint in a vent. There is a brief scuffle as they fight for the best view) S: Okay, lower me down. I'll try to grab the droid control when they're not looking. C: (still sulking) Fine. S: Oh, get over it. (They remove the vent cover. Shades dangles above the room while Chaos, gritting her teeth and braced against the sides of the shaft, has a death grip on his ankles. A drop of sweat rolls downs the hanging adventurer's face, but he catches it before it lands on Hendrickson. Somehow, both villains are completely oblivious to the guy swaying precariously above them. Unfortunately, a small spider decides that Chaos' face is a perfect web site [no pun intended.] She is making a heroic effort not to sneeze. Shades reaches down?and grabs the watch!) S: Got it! Master: ?what the hell? (Moves) (Chaos loses the battle with her reflexes and sneezes, dropping her partner in the process. He crashes down onto Shavaun.) Master: How in the Nine Hells did this happen? H: Master?help? Master: Are you serious? Nice working with you. (Races out of room) C: (drops from ceiling, jacket whirling) Rats! Sorry for dropping you. S: Ow. That's okay. Ah. Pain. Intense pain. (to Hendrickson) You have very bony elbows. H: Were you planning on getting off anytime soon, or are you just getting comfortable? S: Oh. Sorry. (Gets up and dusts himself off) (Chaos trains her gun on the former lawyer) March. S: I thought you were going to take revenge. C: Oh, I am. (Evil grin) (Three hours and forty-seven minutes later, they are back at SCI headquarters. Chaos is wearing the control watch.) S: Tell me again why we destroyed all the Microsoft Bots except for this one. (jerks head at large grey robot following them and guarding the surly Hendrickson) C: He's my new pet. I call him "Scruffy". S: I thought we agreed you're not to keep pets, not after that hamster fiasco. C: Will you forget about the hamster already? Besides, you don't have to feed this one. All he needs is love and attention. S: Whatever. I'm not cleaning up after him. (They enter the building. It is an absolute disaster area. Broken glass is everywhere, and disturbing stains cover the ceiling and walls. Boots lies on the floor, recovering from an unbelievable hangover. Chaos takes one look and collapses) B: I can explain?ahhhh?no, wait, I can't. S: Chaos? (Shakes her) Are you all right? ANSWER ME! She's never fainted like this before! H: Gaah. Kggah. I think she passed out from the illegal substance fumes. Haackkk. S: You may have a point. (Coughs) B: Nnnhh, don't breath so loud. Oh man, my head? C: (sputters and wakes up) WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE? (looks at Shavaun.) Who in blazes are you? H: Whaddya mean, who am I? S: Don't you remember? C'mon, Erin. C: Who's Erin? S: C'mon, don't tell me you don't recall any of it! Buffalo, the droids, Fern and Rice- C: Isn't that a Lipton's Sidekick? S: -the pickup, your old life? B: (moaning) Someone just shoot me? C: With pleasure. Later. I have no idea what you're talking about, Shades. The last thing I remember is finishing those damage bills and crashing on the couch. S: You mean I went halfway across the continent for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING??? (Furious) I GOT UP AT TWO IN THE MORNING SO WE COULD WASTE THE DAY??? H: (cackling) Guess so. C: (sees droid) Oooh! Can I keep him? I'll call him "Scruffy"! S: I. Give. Up. By the way, this is your archnemesis, Shavaun Hendrickson. She tried to kill you once. See ya tomorrow, cause I am going HOME! (Leaves in exasperation) C: (eyes glint) Did she, now? H: Oh damn? C: For starters, my soon-to-be archery target, you can clean up this mess. Or I'll disembowel you with a spoon. Scruffy, put her in the alley to sleep it off. (Gestures at Boots) H: (pale) Yes'm. B: (mumbling) Whooo let the dogssss out? S: (sticks head in door) Promise to tape the torture scene for me. I'll be sleeping through next week. C: Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. S: No need. I'll take your word for it. (Leaves) (Chaos settles herself on the couch, sipping an iced coffee [Scruffy proved to have a miniature Starbucks function] and watches her miserable prisoner scrub the carpet) ROLL CREDITS main page http://www.expage.com/shadychaos |
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