Here's a few new jokes a couple of you sent me this week! Thanks Everyone! - Personal - http://phatbowling.com/prufrockcafe/New

>Arkansas Medical Terminology
>
>The reason that the Clifton Administration Health Plan has been
>delayed, is the difficulty in translating the Arkansas Medical
>terminology into Standard English. A partial key is provided below.
>
>Artery-----------------The study of paintings
>Bacteria---------------Back door of the cafeteria
>Barium----------------What doctors do when their patient dies
>Bowel-----------------A letter like A, E, I, O, U
>Cesarean Section------A neighborhood in Rome
>Cat Scan--------------Searching for the kitty
>Cauterize--------------Made eye contact with her
>Colic------------------A sheep dog
>Coma-----------------A punctuation mark
>D & C----------------Where Washington is
>Dilate------------------To live long
>Enema-----------------Not a friend
>Fester-----------------Quicker
>Fibula-----------------A small lie
>Genital----------------Not a Jew
>G.I.Series-------------An army ball game
>Hangnail--------------Coat hook
>Impotent--------------Distinguished; well known
>Labor pains-----------Getting hurt at work
>Medical staff----------A doctor's cane
>Morbid---------------A higher offer
>Nitrates---------------Cheaper than day
>Node-----------------Was aware of
>Outpatient-------------A person who fainted
>Pap smear-------------A fatherhood test
>Pelvis------------------A cousin to Elvis
>Post-operative---------A letter carrier
>Recovery room--------A place where they do upholstery
>Rectum----------------Dang nearly killed him
>Secretion--------------Hiding something
>Seizure----------------A Roman emperor
>Tablet-----------------A small table
>Terminal illness--------Getting sick at the airport
>Tumor-----------------Add two
>Urine------------------Opposite to you are out
>Varicose---------------Near by
>Vein-------------------Conceited

______________________________________________________________

Young Businessman
Author:
?
Submitter:
?
Joke:
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented beautiful office
and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the
outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the
phone and started to pretend he had big deal working. He threw huge figures
around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor,
"Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

--------------------------------------------------------

LAWS OF WORK

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and
what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you
did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about
themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool
about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss
asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you
will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of
pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing
it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that
goes wrong.

*************************************************

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to
impress her date. "Do you like to screw," he says. "Huh" replied the surprised
first date. "My daughter she loves to screw and she's good at it, you and her
should go screw," carefully explained the father. Now very interested the boy
replied, "Yes, sir." Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father
goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious,
dress torn, hair a mess and screamed "Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it
straight!"

=============================================

37 creative ways to say someone is stupid:

A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An
experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than
a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in
one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a
full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a
whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off her cracker. Body by Fisher,
brains by Mattel. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the
heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An
intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league
in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay her
brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all
the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If she had another brain,
it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the
silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several
nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in
Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Not the sharpest knife in
the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter.

===================================================

1. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? 2. If olive oil comes from olives, where
does baby oil come from? 3. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress? 4. If buttered toast always lands buttered side down,and
cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered
toast to the back of a cat? 5. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of
the year, why do they have locks on the doors? 6. Why do they put Braille dots
on the dey pads of the drive-up ATM machine? 7. Why isn't phonetic spelled
the way it sounds? 8. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead
of parachutes? 9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations? 10. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work? 11. If
nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? 12. If
you're driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what
happens? 13. You know hwo most packages say "open here"? What should
you do if the package says "opn somewhere else"? 14. Why do we drive on
parkways and park on driveways? 15. Why is it that when you transport
something by car it's called a shipment, but when you trasport something by ship
it's called cargo? 16. You know that little indestructible black box that's used on
airplanes? Why can't they make the whoe plane out of the same substance? 17.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for and address,you turn the
radio down? 18. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? 19. Why are they called
apartments when they're all stuck together? 20. What does Geronimo scream
when he jumps out of a plane? 21. If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters
fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight? 22. Why are there interstate
highways in Hawaii? 23 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?

Cowboy/Annie

"People Exercise an unconscious selection in being influenced." T.S. Eliot

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Page Updated Sun Apr 2, 2000 10:58am EDT