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| Pic Up Lines |
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FIND OUT HOW TO BECOME $$RICH$$ 1. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed. 2. Nice shoes, wanna fuck? 3. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand. 4. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 5. [Look at her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size. 6. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? 7. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? 8. I love every bone in your body - especially mine. 9. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine. 10. [Grab her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 11. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink? 12. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 13. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 14. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree. 15. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it? 16. Do you want to see something swell? 17. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 18. I'd look good on you. 19. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some? 20. Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart." 21. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you. 22. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see! 23. Hi, I make more money than you can spend. 24. HI! Can I buy you a car? 25. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?. 26. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? 27. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum." 28. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize? 29. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose? 30. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza? 31. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet? 32. I am a magical being, take off your bra. 33. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. 34. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. 35. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? 36. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen? 37. That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor. 38. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! 39. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. 40. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. 41. NOW, BITCH! 42. Say, did we go to different schools together? 43. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on? 44. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. 45. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 46. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laughter. 47. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 48. What do you like for breakfast? 49. Would you like to have morning coffee with me? 50. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. 51. Do you sleep on your stomach? [any answer] Can I? 52. If I followed you home, would you keep me? 53. Wanna fuck like bunnies? 54. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!? 55. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again? 56. Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. 57. Your place or mine? 58. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here. 59. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh. 60. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? 61. Sex is a killer...want to die happy? 62. Were your parents Greek Gods, 'cause it takes two gods to make a godess. 63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays? 64. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants. 65. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk. 66. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room? 67. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 68. Do you have a boyfriend? [No] Want one? [Yes] Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me. 69. I'm easy. Are you? 70. Are we related? Do you want to be? 71. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours? 72. I'm leaving this place..want to cum? 73. Come on, you can't get pregnant again. 74. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across! 75. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. 76. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? 77. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples? 78. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's. 79. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? 80. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us. 81. You smell wet. Let's Party. 82. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair. 83. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? 84. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize? 85. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. 86. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks? 88. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. 89. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together? 90. What's your sign? 91. You have the ass of a great artist. 92. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 93. Let's take a shower together -- you smell. 94. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade. 95. If I was Elvis, would you screw me? 96. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew... 97. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts) 98. Hey..somebody farted. Let's get out of here. 99. What was that sound?" "It was the sound of my heart breaking. 100. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body? 101. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes. 102. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated. 103. Have you ever played leap frog naked?? 104. I'll bet you 100 bucks that you couldn't get all your clothes off in 30 seconds. 105. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire. 106. Would you like to see me naked?? 107. Do you like chicken? Suck this it's foul! 108. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch! 109. I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman. 110. Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better? 111. Do you spit or swallow? 112. So....How am I doin'? 113. I would give you a piece of my mind but I have much more of something else. 114. Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night. 115. I would kill or die to make love with you. 116. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 117. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 118. Hey baby, let's go make some babies. 119. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. 120. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 121. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 122. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 123. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK 124. I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south. 125. I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality? 126. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. 127. Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here, get 'em while they're hot! 128. Do you come here often? 129. Where do you live? 130. Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching you... 131. Where have you been all my life? 132. Would you like to join me in the Bahamas next week? 133. Think you can dance in those shoes? 134. (Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk about it." 135. Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you." 136. Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight? 137. I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little. 138. I know a great way to burn off the 300 calories in that pastry you just ate. 139. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs? 140. A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?" 141. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?" 142. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids) 143. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute. 144. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it. 145. Hey I am a wrestler, let me take you down. 146. Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them? 147. What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply. 148. I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast. 149. Wow! Are those real? 150. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks? 151. You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon. 152. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? 153. Do you take it up the ass? 154. Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me? 155. What would you do if I kissed you right now? 156. I'm drunk. 157. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. 158. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? 159. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us. 160. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 161. (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. 162. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished. 163. Will you marry me and have my children? 164. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch! 165. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo. 166. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy? 167. That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too. 168. Can I see your tan lines? 169. I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there. 170. You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case. 171. (leaning over to whisper) I think about you when I masturbate. 172. I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there. 173. I'll bet you $50 I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds. 174. I'm sorry I'm an artist and it's my job to stare at beautiful women. 175. Hi. You'll do. 176. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous! 177. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really, what time? 178. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot. 179. Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like to? 180. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me? 181. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 182. That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I. 183. (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings. 184. Pardon me, are you in heat?! 185. You know, I never was to good at math...like if I put you and I together, I'd get 69. 186. You know the more I drink, the prettier you get! 187. You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square? 188. Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice melons! 189. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven! 190. Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag! 191. Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs. 192. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off? 193. When she asks, "What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse, etc.)" Say: I like nothing better. 194. At the dinner table, if you eat together, pick up the bread and ask, "Wanna roll?" 195. That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing. 196. Ask girl if she likes jewelry. Then grab your nuts and say, "Then suck this, it's a gem!" 197. (Good looking waitress pouring a drink) Say when! As soon as I finish this drink. 198. Lie down. I think I love you. 199. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that? 200. My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love. ELF PICKUPS... 1 "I'm down here!" 2 "Just because I've got bells on my feet doesn't mean I'm a sissy!" 3 I was a lawn ornament for Gary Sweet." 4 "I can get you off the naughty list!" 5 "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys." 6 "I'm a magical being! Take off your bra!" 7 "It's not size that matters babe!" 8 "I get a thimbleful of tequila into me and I turn into a wild man!" 9 "You'd look hot in a Raggedy Ann wig!" 10 "I can eat my weight in cocktail frankfurts!" BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE! 11 "That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed." 12 "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" 13 "You have some nice jewellery. It would look good on my nightstand." 14 "Chicks dig me - I wear coloured underwear!" 15 Look at the tag on her shirt and say "I wanted to see if you were really made in heaven." 16 "If I gave you neglige for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?" 17 "That's a nice shirt - can I talk you out of it?" 18 "Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them." 19 "Do I know you from somewhere - or is it just that you have your clothes on?" 20 "Hi, I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced nipples." 21 "Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock it's a gem!" 22 She: "What do you think of this dress/top/skirt?" He: "I like nothing better!" 23 "What do like for breakfast?" 24 "Can I buy you a drink, or would you just like the money?" 25 "Would you like a gin & platonic or do you prefer scotch & sofa?" 26 "Hey, how about pizza & a fuck?" "What, don't you like pizza?" 27 "Would you like to have morning coffee with me?" 28 "Lets do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?" 29 "Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?" 30 "I don't look like much now, I'm drinking milk." 31 "I've had quite a bit to drink tonight & you're beginning to look pretty good!" 32 "I've got a thirst baby, and you smell like Gatorade!" 33 "Do you like chicken? Suck this, it's foul!" 34 "Do you know the difference between hamburgers and head jobs?" "No? Let's do lunch then!" 35 Hand out cards saying: "Smile if you want to sleep with me" and watch them hold back their laughter. 36 At the photocopier: "Reproducing hey? Can I help?" 37 Motion with your finger for the girl to come over. When she does say "I knew if I fingered you enough you'd come!" 38 Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have the energy?" 39 Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have the place in mind?" 40 When she asks for a match: "My penis, your vagina." 41 Walk over to a ladies table, take your dick out & say "Hey Charlie, anyone here you recognise?" 42 "Stand back, I'm a doctor! You get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes!" 43 Holding out fingers: "Why should women masturbate with these fingers?" "Because they're mine!" 44 "Hi, my name is {name}. How do you like me so far?" 45 "You look like a girl who has heard every single line in the book - so what's one more!" 46 "Bond. James Bond." 47 "Excuse me, are you ready to go home yet?" 48 "Hi, I make more money than you can spend." 49 "Hi, can I buy you a car?" 50 "I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?" 51 "Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars from the sky & put them in your eyes." 52 "Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!" 53 "You know what I like about you?" "My arms." 54 "If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you." 55 "I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?" 56 "Who's a nice girl doing in a place like this?" 57 "Do you have a 40 cents?" "Too bad, because I need to call my mother and tell her I just found the woman of my dreams." 58 "Do you have a map?" "I just keep on getting lost in your eyes." 59 "Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers." 60 "Did it hurt?" "When you fell from heaven?" 61 E"Inheriting eighty million dollars doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart." 62 "Excuse me, do you live around here often?" 63 "Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home together?" 64 "What's your sign?" 65 "Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you." 66 "What was that?" "That sound?" "The sound of my heart breaking?" 67 "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U & I together." 68 "I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?" 69 "I was sitting here holding my cigarette when I realised I'd rather be holding you." 70 "If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now." 71 "I feel like Richard Gere, standing here next to you, the Pretty Woman" 72 "Sorry, I thought you were someone else, by the way, here's my card." 73 "Say, didn't we go to different schools together?" 74 "Drop 'em" 75 "Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?" 76 "Hey baby, let's make some babies!" 77 "I think we have to make love like crazed weasels on the front lawn NOW!" 78 "Hey babe, can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?" 79 "Hey babe, can you suck start a Harley? 80 "Hey babe, wanna get lucky?" 81 To a mother: "Hey mother - want another?" 82 To a mother: "What is your favourite position on extramarital sex?" 83 "Your place or mine?" 84 "Your place or the mens bathroom?" 85 "Your face or mine?" 86 "If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?" 87 "If I told you that you had an ugly body, would you hold it against me?" 88 "Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?" 89 "I love you. I want to marry you. Now let's fuck." |
| Blonde Jokes |
| 1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! 2. Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone. 3. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. 4. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. 5. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A: (Action of scissoring legs apart) 6. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! 7. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just dyed her hair. 8. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. 9. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads. 10. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. 11. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back. 12. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 13. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. 14. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. 15. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. 16. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. 17. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9.... 18. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! 19. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. 20. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. 21. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. 22. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. 23. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. 24. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper. 25. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. 26. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. 27. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. 28. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." 29. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers. 30. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth. 31. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. 32. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. 33. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" 34. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 35. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: "All the blondes have gone home!" 36. Q: What's a brunette's mating call ? A: Has that blonde gone yet? 37. Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!" 38. Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. 39. Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus G.S.T. 40. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. 41. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits go in front. 42. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." 43. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. 44. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. 45. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A: Fertilised. 46. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilised. 47. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. 48. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ? A: Kick open the car door. 49. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. 50. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. 51. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond? A: Bucket seats. 52. Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans? 53. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? 54. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?* 55. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ? A: So they know when to stop having sex ! 56. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm???? A1: She drops her nail-file!!! A2: Who cares? A3: She says 'Next' A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out. 57. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" 58. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? A: Data transfer. 59. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. 60. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" 61. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" 62. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit. 63. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747 64. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? 65. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" 66. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. 67. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. 68. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" 69. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. 70. Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. 71. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. 72. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. 73. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. 74. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking. 75. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! 76. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. 77. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! 78. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. 79. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread. 80. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. 81. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". 82. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. 83. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 25 cents to use a telephone. 84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. 85. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo? A: Not everybody has been in a limo. 86. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ... 87. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. 88. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. 89. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. 90. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. 91. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. 92. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets. 93. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. 94. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. 95. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. 96. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. 97. Q: How do you drown a blond? A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. 98. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Don't tell her to swallow. 99. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool ? A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. 100. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 101. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. A |
| Yo Mama Jokes |
| SO FAT Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN" Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat were in her right now Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of Washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too Yo momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. Yo momma so fat she lies on the beach greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo momma so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!! Yo mamma so fat I swerved to miss her but ran out of petrol SO STUPID Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. Yo momma so stupid she had surgery on her butt and the doctor removed her brain. SO UGLY Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower! |
| Continue of Moma Jokes |
| Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote! Yo momma so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies! Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her! Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo momma so ugly she had to get her baby drunk to breastfeed it! Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween! Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday! Yo momma so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects! Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry! Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. SO OLD Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number! Yo momma so old her social security number is 1! Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch' Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo momma so old when God said "Let their be light", she flipped the switch. Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade. SO POOR Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush! Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo momma so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers. Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp. Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut. Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. SO DARK Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent! Yo momma so dark she spits chocolate milk! Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. SO DIRTY Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater. SO SHORT Yo momma so short she poses for trophies! Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence! Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime. Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb. Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed. Yo momma so short she models for trophys. SO NASTY Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh! Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down. Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left. Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater. Yo momma so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape. Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off Yo momma so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh. Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection. IS LIKE Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up! Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke! Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn! Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on! Yo momma like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn! Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride! Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one! Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country! Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her! Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows! Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw! Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing Yo momma like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her! Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package! Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded. Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter. Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow. Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap! Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck. SO HAIRY Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples! Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! SO SLUTTY Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley! Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball! Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive Yo momma so slutty I fucked her and I's a chick! Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man. NOSE SO BIG Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers! Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat! SO GREASY Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo momma so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her TEETH SO YELLOW Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter! SO LAZY Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. SO SKINNY Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex. Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared. SO BALD Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn't help! Yo momma so bald you can see whats on her mind Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed. SO TALL Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth. Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida. SO FLAT Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall! GLASSES SO THICK Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future. HAS Yo momma has an afro with a chin strap. Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle. Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper. Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying. Yo momma has a 'fro with warning lights. Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand. Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it. Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaude. GOT Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger! Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward. Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo. Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it. Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns. Yo momma got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!!!! Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches. Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail. Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns. HOUSE SO SMALL Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza. Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind. HOUSE SO DIRTY Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies! Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside. HAIR SO SHORT Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches. Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice. HEAD SO BIG Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts. Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar. HEAD SO SMALL Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow. Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died. MISC Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!" Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates! Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back! Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her cunt was too busy. Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them. Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on. Yo momma twice the man you are. Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9. Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear. Yo momma middle name is Rambo. Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more." Yo momma rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals. |
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