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Diary of a 19 year old girl
All about me
Shout OUT Page
diary continued
diary part 3
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| MY LIFE cont. |
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| June 14, 2001 2:08 pm Well BJ has got her hands full with 2 guys right now... oh BOY!!! They are both either in their late 20's or earlier 30's... yeah i know im only 20... but they are hot as shit. One is Black the other is italian and some other shit. One is a customer at my store who comes to see me all the time and the other one was a manger at my store for as short period of time. Both have kids and one has a girlfriend. Know yall are probably askin me what the hell am I doing... Im havin the time of my life before i go back to school and have the time of my life there too... I havin fun... im not stressin over guys... im just chillin and partyin with them. With one of them i could start a serious relationship with... but the one with a girlfriend im just chillin with him. But This girl is not gettin into a relationship here in Richmond since im going to Newport News soon... So until August 11..... im just havin a good time..... DONT HATE!!!!!! June 2, 2001 9:38 pm Well the past two days have truly taught me alot. I realized that when you think you may truly know someone you actually dont. Once again a guy who after he hurt me once and I forgave him went around and hurt me again tonight. Its really bad that when someone doesnt get what they want they get all pissy about it. But thats not going to happen again because in my eyes someone doesnt get a third chance with me. So that friendship is now over and to tell you the truth im not even upset about it... Im kind of happy to have that stress gone. Back to another subject and this can apply to both males and females. If you end on bad terms with someone and you know they are upset take action then. See whats going on at that moment.... ask them if they hate you. Dont wait over 2 fuckin months later and come on the computer and ask "do you hate me." You might as well not have written at all. But to answer that question... no i dont hate you but i think its fucked up what you did. You wanted your cake and eat it too.. and thats so fucked up. But even after that happend I wrote you sayin that I understood and still wanted to be friends.... there BJ is tryin to be nice again. But I guess my friendship wasnt worth anything to you. So once again BJ tries to be nice... it doesnt work. And one more thing and im not tryin to start shit. But how can you tell someone that you love them when you have really only known them for a good week. I dont understand that... yeah it makes me feel good but once again.. i dont understand. But i dont understand alot of things about guys... i dont understand how people can just go around hurting each other... do people get statisfaction from that. Yes I know I have hurt people in the past but it was never on purpose.. I have always tried my best to work out everything... but lately it seems like guys dont want to put the extra effort in. But what can you really do.. you cant do anything. All you can do is move on... and its gettin easier and easier for me to do. But its all good... and I'll survive and it doesnt bother me anymore. I got some great advice from my sweetie tonight... and im going to take it... Im not one to stress over shit anymore. I mean damn i could die tomorrow.. and i dont want to think about the "what if's " anymore. What happens, happens for a reason and I know that now. NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU EVER CATCH ME, WISHIN ON A STAR FOR SOME GUY TO COME BLESS ME May 29, 2001 4:55 pm Alot has happened recently and its made me realize I need to change. And when people change its usually for the better but I dont think my change is going to be like that. Im tired of everyone thinkin that I have the perfect life... Money, cars, guys, anything that I want. Its not all like that and I wish people would just back off of me. My life is shit right now and its because I stopped thinkin about one thing.. and thats me. I forgot that I am the only person in this world that I can count on. And that is the truth. No one is here for me right now, not even my family. And this whole guy thing... fuck that shit about finding the nice guy. Im goin to go back to my old ways and go after the bad type. The nice guy and bad girl thing just doesnt go together. I need someone who understands me and realizes that my life is so much harder then what people think it is. Im not going to forget about my friends.. they know who they are and I will always stick by them and do what ever I can for them. But I do need to start focusing on me... on what I need to do to get ahead... to achieve everything that I want. Shit im a bitch now..... I cant get too much worse... but we will see... May 26, 2001 9:31 pm Well forget about hurtin guys.. shit some deserve it. I ended my relationship with my guy about 2 weeks ago... just to find out that 2 days after I broke up with him I found out he was married. And almost everyone at my work knew that but didnt tell me. Isnt that some fucked up shit.... people really piss me off. So know im just havin my fun.... relationships are out of the question for me right now. Oh and I recently found out that im a player.... hmmm isnt that some shit. May 13, 2001 12:58 am Its so wierd... after bein hurt by so many guys... I go around and hurt 2 guys myself and I know how it feels to be hurt and I still do it. I dont know what is wrong with me sometimes. When I dont have a boyfriend I want one.. but when I have a boyfriend I dont want one. And everytime I get a guy that cares for me and I know will treat me good.... I end up gettin out of the relationship. But damn if i got a jerk for a boyfriend I will stay with them for as long as I can. I dont know, like I told my mom I would rather be with the guy that tells me that "im such a bitch" then be with the guy that calls me "gorgeous". And there is something seriously wrong with that. Maybe its because I have always had these shitty boyfriends and that is what I expect from all guys. But I dont know... things are just getting too complicated for me. And then I dont know if I wanna hook with someone cause im goin back to newport news in August. And im a party girl and what if I find someone down there... what do I do then. Guys just equal total confusion for me... and I just dont know what to do anymore.. I cant be with someone that I cant devote my whole heart too... I guess that is why I am single again. But I guess in the end you win some you lose some.... NEVER GOIN CRY.... CUZ I LIVE TO DIE.. WITH MY MIND ON MY MONEY... AND MY GUNS TO THE SKY . May 9, 2001 1:37 am Sometimes I just dont know. What the hell do I want in life. I have no answer for that right now. I just cant wait to get back to Newport News.. that is where I belong. Richmond = Stress which then = headache...lol. Jerry I know you read this... and Im sorry for actin kind of wierd when we were in the car. It just seems like we grew so far apart in one day. I dont know.. for the first time im losin my focus in life.... Conquer Conquest Destroy... its all down the drain. Which sucks.. I lost my drive for success, to have all. I need to get that back... I need to focus. Like I always say you cant depend on no one but yourself. I got such dreams of success... but things are not workin out as planned. BJ needs a damn vacation..lol... but she also needs cash and quick... and everyone knows the one thing on BJ's mind is always MONEY....but its all goin to work out.. just alittle slump and ill pull out of it... I always do. :) Jerry.... I love you... your my hot boy and we are friends forever. I love the Fours..... LIFE IS A BIG OBSTACLE PUT IN FRONT OF YOUR OPTICAL TO SLOW YOU DOWN AND EVERYTIME YOU THINK YOU HAVE GOTTEN PAST IT, ITS GONNA COME BACK AROUND AND TACKLE YOU TO THE DAMN GROUND. May 5, 2001 11:39 pm Wow its been awhile since I have written. I turned 20 on Thurs and it was kind of depressing. Yeah I know im young and all but what the hell have I accomplished in my life... pretty much nothin. Work is still the same.. Im still the center of attention there but its been like that forever and Im used to it. There is a guy stressin my big time but I think I finally got him off my back. And then I feel like I lost a good guy close friend. Things just seem different and it really sucks. I have also met another guy who seems really great.... but since I have been hurt so much by guys... it is kind of hard. But I guess take it day by day. I have also been thinkin about the friendships that have been destroyed with me and some other people. And im thinkin about tryin to mend them in some way... not FORGIVE though. But Im sure my efforts will fail... but hey at least I can say I tried. But its summer time now.. and I got to focus on gettin ready to go back to CNU and makin money. Im gettin a new car so I got to save. LOL me save.. shit this is goin to be hard...hehe. But other then all that shit my life has actually been pretty drama free for the first time in a LONG ass time. It is nice.... :) But thats about it for now.. Im sure something exciting will happen soon... it usually does..... but of course I got to give my shout out to my GIRLS.... I love the FOURS..... we kick ass!!!! And I miss ya Jeff... im lookin forward to my 2am phone calls...lol.. hmmmm i usually end my entries with a quote sometimes... let me think.... Im just tryin to be me, doin what i got to do so why yall keep hatin on me and my crew... Im sayin BJ look at them and look at you.. true if i was you i hate me too! hehehehe....... im bad... but yall fuckin love me!!!! April 12, 2001 11:09 pm Well this is my bitch and complain entry... so if you dont like it get over it. MEN get on my damn nerves sometimes. I hate when they give you rules to follow. Like no parties with out them, no drinkin, no smokin, no talkin to other guys. This type of shit pisses me off. Tonight the guy im "talkin" too got pissed cause I didnt chill with him tonight. Well Im sorry. Unlike other girls I have a life. Im a very popular girl and Im not going to be tied down to a guy who says you can do this and do that. That is fucked up. I have a life... and yeah im glad my man wants to see me, but I have other people that want me to chill with them too. Lord... I dont care if my man wants to go out and chill with his boys or even his girls... Its all good.. I will never give up my guy friends for a boyfriend. Friends are forever.... boyfriends come and go. JERRY IF YOU SEE THIS YOU NEED TO FUCKIN CALL ME.... 840-3006..... I LOVE YOU SWEETIE.... shit maybe I should date you jerry...... your such a sweetheart.... =) AWWWWW my hot boy!!! April 10, 2001 1:53 am If you died tomorrow would you die knowing you lived a great life or would you have wished you could have done things differently. Recently a friend of mine sister died.. she was only a little girl. This has got me thinkin. What have I accomplished in my life. And the more I think about it the more I realize that I havent done shit. Its time to start liven like there is no tomorrow. Dont wait till the last minute to do things, cause you may wait to late. Life is so short, to waste time. Stop listening to what people want and start doing what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. Live life!!! If you like someone tell them... dont let them pass you by. If you want something go for it, you just may get it. THRU THE DARKEST CLOUDS THE SUN WELL ALWAYS SHINE THRU. I loving memory of Destany October 7, 1995 - April 7, 2001 April 8, 2001 1:23 pm Well another interesting weekend at CNU. I didnt cause any drama this weekend but I did get some dirty looks from some people and they know who they are. But it doesn't bother me. I love havin people hate me. I love people trying to take away my spot. Keeps life interesting and keeps me on my toes. But no one has destroyed me yet or even came close. But as for this weekend I chilled with my girls. I LOVE THE FOURS and saw my boys. I got drunk twice so that was good I needed that. And I went out with great guy but I guess shit went down. And I really dont need to get into that. He knows whats going on. But what ever floats his boat and makes his dick get hard. But this past week I have been on a emotional rollarcoaster ride. Guys seem to like to do that to me. But its all good. BJ gets through everything. But Im glad April is here.... one more month till im 20 and and a good guy friend is home for this whole month. So its party TIME. This month I have no worries. Its going to be a fun time with lots of friends. Life is good for me even though some people and some guys have hurt me. I have a new attitude which is not to let people hurt me. I could care less right now. I will be happy and I can have anything I want so ITS ALL FUCKIN GOOD....hehehe. FUCK THE SLICE I WANT THE PIE WHY ASK WHY TILL WE FRY WATCH US ALL STAND IN LINE FOR THE SLICE OF THE DEVILS PIE!! April 2, 2001 11:59 pm Well my March 30th entry can just all go to hell. GUYS totally just drive me insane. I didnt realize one person (me) could get hurt by so many guys. I dont know what I have done to deserve all this. I really cant be mad at you... I guess it just hurts cause I wake up this morning and I find out that I can come back to CNU. So I get on the computer to write you the good news and what do I see... well you know what you wrote. Im glad your happy... but I just wish we never started talkin cause you made it seem like everything was going to work out for us and we would be so happy.... but once again BJ gets her hopes up and then they come crashin down. I dont think I'll ever believe in fate, love or anything of that nature again. Because as soon as I do... BAM I get hurt.. and its comin to the point where I dont think I'll ever find anyone who will treat me good. Now I realize why I am so picky when it comes to guy... cause as soon as I start to let up I get hurt. I guess it was fate for you that I told you not to come visit me this weekend... at least one of us is in love.... I am happy for you.... and if you ever need to talk I am here as a friend. And for those that read this and love when im upset i dont really care.. i could give a fuck less about ya!!!! So now im my life involves work, getting ready to go back to school in the fall, getting a apartment with my girls, and making money. But as for now... I am just going to move on WHAT DOESNT KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER... Im just ready to move down there and get my life going again.... guy or no guy I will survive cuz I can take care of myself in any situation... March 30, 2001 12:41 am Well a shit load has happened since I last wrote. I know the past few weeks have not been so good and im sure you know that but guess what. My life is great now. I have never been this happy. And for the ones who wish i was un happy well fuck you cause Im not. I have gotten over a certain Ass and Im so happy that I did. That whole situation that happend last time I was at CNU is over with in my mind. I find out tomorrow if I can come back to CNU for the fall. My chances are very very good. I wont be living on campus THANK GOD... ill have an apartment with my girls. SO NO DRAMA.... And right now im talkin to the sweetest guy ever. I think it is fate that me and him are talkin..... I feel that this could turn out to be the best thing that has ever happend to me. And as Neat says "everything happens for a reason" and I found the reason why I got hurt so badly last time I was at CNU.... Because of what happend to me is makin me cherish you so much more, you are the perfect guy and i do pray that everything goes great for us... i think we both deserve happiness and I want to be the one that makes you happy... im thinkin about you Bryant!!! And i love the FOURS...... yall are there for me no matter what and i want you to know that i will always be there for yall! I want to thank you god for every blessin, from happiness to heartaches i take it as a lesson. Im proud of me, I got a family that holds me down and real FRIENDS cuz the other ones claim they dont know me now! March 20, 2001 2:07 am Well I just got home from work and I have done a shit load of thinkin. And its time to move on. I cant just cry and think about the past anymore. Yeah the past with you was great and we have so many great memorys, busch gardens, the dog, the movie IT, the circus, the first night we chilled at that party... and so many more. And I know everyday I'll think of you and I will remember all the great qualities you have and how great you did treat me. I guess you got consumed with one thing and it brought you down, SEX can lead to trouble and i guess you may realize that now. I know you did care for me at one point probably long ago but feelings change and people change. And now I have to stop caring for you and that is hard. Even through all this drama I am still trying to find some good in you but im failing. Everything happens for a reason and maybe something good will come of this. But who knows. All I know is that you can never takes someones word or their promise. Because you promised me that we would be friends 4 ever and that are friendship and our caring for each other would get us through anything that came in are way. Well that was a lie.... and it hurts. But life goes on.....and I must move on to bigger and better things and this is just a stepping stone to that. Thank you Kenny for making me a stronger person and making me learn never take what someone says serious...... they may just be lying to your face. March 18, 2001 12:35 pm Well this past weekend has been the biggest emotional roller coaster ride ever. Every time I step foot on that damn campus something happens. And this time it was alot a lying and playin with emotions that hurt me so much. But I cant say that I was the only one affected cause others where too. It just really sucks to know that someone you cared for could fuckin lie about you. I thought I had a friend who cared for me but he didnt. Nothin matters to him. And if that is how he wants to be then I cant change that and I have to accept that no matter how hard it is. A good friend told me that every thing happens for a reason. And its hard to try to figure out why this happend. What good can come of this. At this point all it brings is tears but in time that will change. I will become a better person out of this. I now know that he is no good, and everyone is right i deserve so much better. He is the one who will suffer in the end. He is the one who lost the good friend and it is his fault. Gosh Im glad im not at CNU this semester...... I couldnt stand bein there right now. I just want to thank my girls for bein there......especially Neat..... you always know what to say. I never cried my eyes out and drank beer at the same time.....lol.... oh well Im just going to keep tellin myself this happend for a reason. I will survive....life does go on. March 12, 2001 9:48 pm Well Its been a long ass time since I wrote. I guess it is because I really dont have nothin exciting going on in my life. I guys still suck, work is ok, and other then thats its been the same shit. Im going down to CNU this weekend to chill. Hopefully it will be as fun as the last time I went. And hopefully I'll do all the same shit as before. I need a break from Richmond.. people here are gettin on my nerves. Its time to chill and relax. |
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