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Diary of a 19 year old girl
All about me
Shout OUT Page
diary continued
diary part 3
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| Day by Day |
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| if i offend anyone in the following entries i am sorry, i use these entries to express how i feel at the current moment, just like eminem uses his lyrics to express how he feels |
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| Febuary 25. 2001 12:02 am Tonight has been a night of remembering the past and it has brought tears to my eyes. Tonight I went to the circus, and last year I went to the circus. And so much has happened between these two time periods. Last year around this time... I had what I thought was my best friend for life her name was Krystyna. I had a great roomie Sherelle. I had two great guys in my life Thomas who was a close guy friend and Kenny... who was the guy I fell very hard for. I was on the softball team kickin ass and I was having a great ass time. And now one year later it is all gone. Every aspect is gone. Krystyna now lives in Arizone and is no longer a friend. I have a new best friend Sarah who is my girl for life.... I wouldnt trade her in for no one. We will be friends for life. Then I got Jess my Hoochie..... I love her to death and I dont know what I would do if she wasnt around. I love yall 1 of 3 and 3 of 3!!!!! My ex roomie Sherelle is now dead she died about a month ago. Me and her were really close but in the end me and her couldnt stand each other. We never said goodbye and to this day I regret it with all my heart. You really dont know what you have till it is gone. Me and Thomas hardly talk anymore. Which is a shame.... me and him were very close. Then there is Kenny.... a year ago today we were together everyday... but now when i was at school last semester he never came around. And its seems that we are even movin further apart even after we did something that should of brought us closer together. The feelings that we have will never be what I want. And after I told myself that I wouldnt fall for him again... I am. It is so wierd how so much has changed over a year. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change it all. Never fight with Sherelle, told Kenny how I felt, did good in classes, and so on. It fuckin sucks, but I do have things that make me happy now. I got Sarah and Jess and they help alot. I guess you really dont know how depressin life is until you write something like this. My life is pretty depressing. Febuary 23, 2001 12:19 am For some reason these things are getting harder and harder to write. I guess my life has been so calm that I have had nothing to write about. No drama is going on in my life, except for the fact that Im fallen this guy again but we wont talk about that. Im going to the circus on Saturday with my nephew, my brother and sister in law who I hate with a passion. She doesnt like me either. She doesnt approve of my tattoos, tongue ring, and i guess the way I dress. I just think she is fuckin jealous. But oh well. I saw my sweetie Jerry the other day and we talked for an hour. It nice to be able to talk to a guy so openly. There is not many people in Richmond who I can talk to like that. There is alot of shady people in Richmond. And im sure some would say that Im that way too. But it seems like I have to act a certain way here then I did in Newport News. It's so wierd to explain.... Its not like Im two different people..... its just that one side of me would show more then the other when I was in Newport News. I felt like myself down there.. People liked me for who I was not what Im capable of doing. And sometimes the Richmond girl would come out in me and they didnt approve but I understood and I hide the Richmond girl. I guess your environment does determine how you act. And the guys here in Richmond are just so fucked up and crazy. It seems like all the guys I met in Newport News except for one... treated me so well. There is a good chance I will be going back to CNU for the fall semester and I hope I do... I really do miss my life down there. Febuary 18, 2001 11:18 pm Well Im back from my wild ass time at CNU in newport news. I havent had this much fun in a long ass time. I did my fair share of drinking... which was good. I also saw Billy and like always he wanted me to come to his room but I told him I was going out. I dont think I could ever do anything with him after what he did. But I think he finally got the picture. I really dont know why he kept coming around... he always wanted me to come chill with him and only him.. well Trill Bill its over sweetie...nothin will ever happin between us again. Sarah F, Jess, and Harrell.... I had so much fun this weekend... we need to do it all again very soon. Something else happend this past weekend that brought me and someone else very close. I really think it was bound to happen between us. And Im glad it did. You mean so much to me and I will always care so deeply for ya... I love ya sweetie!!!! Hopefully me and you talk soon!! Other then that I came home from CNU around 2 and then went to work, and saw all my sweeties... so it was good. But I really dont know what else to talk about.... This weekend was so great especially when Kenny came to visit.. !!!! =) Febuary 15, 2001 12:15 am Well Valentines ended 15 mins. ago, and it actually turned out to be pretty good. I got my stuff from all my sweeties out there so Im happy that people love me!!!! I really dont have nothing to bitch about. Im going to Newport News today which is now Thursday..lol. I will be going down there to party my ass off. Which I need to do. I have been going crazy here lately and I need to go have some fun. Other then that I dont have much to talk about, but I am on the search for Anthony.. this guy came into my work and started talkin to me and and introduced himself to me and everything. A very hot guy. So next time I see him Im going to fuck him....just jokin... but Im going to ask him to come and chill with me...... if ya know what I mean. Well I guess that is it for now. Im sure I will have some good shit to write about when I come back from Newport News. Febuary 10, 2001 9:25 pm Today has been a great day overall. Except that it seems like me being home and away from school, I still cause drama for my friends at school. And me being home, I cant help with what is going on there. I just hope that everyone will be able to get past all of this and move on. I didnt realize something that I did at home could cause so much drama 80 miles away. I love you guys and hopefully all this will be over soon. Well now to the good news. I went to the doctor today and as many of you know my eyes were infected very badly but now after a week and a couple of days... my eyes are back to normal. Me and my mother ate at shoneys also today and there is a guy who works there and is obsessed with me. While we were eating he decides to sit next to me and talk to us for an hour. He is cute and a sweet talker. I found out his name is Wayne and he is 25. But get this.... he told us that he is in jail currently.. but instead of being behind bars he works his time off at Shoneys. Everyday he works and gets picked up in van that takes him back to where they are keeping him. Well he has 25 more days left. And my mom is like he is going to ask you out since he will not be serving anymore time. Im like great.... an ex convict wants me as his girlfriend. I sure know how to pick them. Then I went to my work to get my schedule.... and guess what the fuck my manager has me doing. I got to work in Floral on Mon, Tues, and Wed. And Wednesday is valentines day. So Im stuck making the flower arrangments, blowing up valentine balloons, and sellin tons of roses. And I dont have a guy for valentines day and that depressing enough but to be stuck around all that valentine shit all day long and knowing that your not going to recieve anything from a special someone SUCKS COMPLETE ASS. That is going to be a shitty ass day. Febuary 7, 2001 10:39 pm I am at a lost for words. When has that ever happend, BJ not knowing what to say........ What is love? I guess everyone has their own defintion for the word that is so overally used. As for me I have no idea what it is. I have said that I have been in love twice, but I never told the guy in both situations how I truly felt. And in the end I was the one who got my heartbroken. And after those experiances ended with those guys I became wild. I did look for another guy, but only for the physical aspects of a relationship. And even then I still got hurt. I sit here and think to myself what is happening to me. Why do I keep getting hurt. Is it every guys mission to fuck me over. And yeah many people think it doesnt effect me cause Im BJ, the girl who can handle anything. But thats so far from the truth. It look out into the world and I see myself so alone. My friends think Im crazy.... Cuz I have like a new guy ever week. But I dont want a new guy everyweek. I want one for good. That will bring out the emotional and physical aspects of a relationship, not just one or the other. But that seems impossible because out of all the guys (and theres alot of guys that have been interested in me) only TWO have done that for me. So it seems like I will never find that one guy who adores me and I adore him back. But I made a decision tonight to say FUCK IT. Im not going to keep worrying about it, because the more I think about it the more upset I get. But instead of dreading about it, Im going to forget about it. I'll just wait for the right guy to come along and "sweep me off me feet." I guess love is something that you just feel, and I guess I'll know the feeling again one of these days. Febuary 5, 2001 3:09 pm I have never been so pissed in all my life. What is your definition of a friend? Well mine is one that will stick by you no matter what happens. Through the good and the bad. So how come this one person is determined to end our friendship. Even though I have changed to make things right between us. I have even given up some friends to remain his friend. Yeah I did something stupid that he didnt approve of. But everyone does stuff that you may not approve of. But they are your friend and you just dont throw away a great friendship. I have never been so hurt. I have changed my life around to accomodate his wishes which were for me to be good. And I thought by changing my life all around and doing good. He would then forgive me and everything would be back to normal. But no... its seems like its not enough. I have done everything possible to make things right but there is no more that I can do. Im not going to beg for your forgiviness... Im not like that. But if you cant see that I done so much to make things right then your blind. And your definition of a friend is totally different from mine. Febuary 4, 2001 10:42 pm Well Im faced with a challenge tonight and its a pretty hard one. I have to write about something happy, since in all my other entries I have done nothing but bitched. And right now Im sitting here and thinking to myself it is pretty sad I have nothing happy to write about. So I sit and think what makes BJ happy? Money, Guys, Family, Beer (just jokin), Friends..... FRIENDS it is. I think im really blessed to have the friends that I do. I think each and everyone of them have touched me in such a special way. When ever I was down or depressed I had my girls at school to cheer me up. Sarah F was there for all the late night talks which have helped me so much threw the days. Jess was there when I needed a friend that one night and then Tracy came along and helped me threw one of the toughest days of my life. Sarah M was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. Then you have my guys who just them being there in my life has helped along the way..... thanks Scott and Jeff. Kenny was always honest with me and always looked out for my well being. Then you have my hot boy Jerry from Richmond. He always treated me with the most respect and I know I can always count on him for anything. Then you have Neil :) who always knows what to say to make me feel all special. I have taken my friends for granted at some points in my life. But I realize without them I wouldnt be the person I am today. I know I have found special friends because I dont know that many people who would put up with my bitchy attitude...lol. I just want to say to all my friends.. THANK YOU for being here for me... I love each and everyone of you and I want you all to know that I will always be here for you no matter what happens. :) I love you 1 of 3 and 3 of 3 -------> FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!!!! Febuary 2, 2001 6:38 pm Decisions. That is what I am faced with today. Every decision I have ever made has effected my life in such a huge way. Mostly for the bad. I cant remember the last time I made a good decision. When it came to school and guys.... well I guess you could say I FLUNKED in decision making. Now this up coming weekend Im face with a huge question...should I or shouldnt I get involved with this one guy. Its hard to say, what do I listen to my heart or my head? Its so confusing. Then there is this other problem. Im faced with a decision that could change my whole entire life and effect everyone that is close to me. I know I should probably refuse both offers....... but you dont know till you try. But if I say yes to one thing...... then its all over and I leave for good. Do I risk everything and take a chance with the unknown or do I stay and wait, and wait till another offer comes up. Life is full of risks, you just got to know what ones to take. And this is to my ex best friend (who may never read this but I got to get this off my chest). I DID NOT get your cousin drunk and high everyday for 2 weeks. I dont know where you got that but is bull shit. So get over it, I tried makin our friendship work even though it was long distance but its obvious that you dont believe me when I tell you I didnt do that shit. So whatever, Im not stressin over stupid shit anymore. You have your new life in Arizona and I have mine here in Richmond. So dont think your going to disrupt my life when you come to visit in April, cause its not going to happen. Things have changed greatly around here just like you and I have changed. I guess my change was for the better. Febuary 1, 2001 1:21 am Well I was having a good day till some guy told me that I couldnt handle him. That is the one thing that pisses the fuck out of me. Do not ever tell me I cant do something cause I will go off on your ass. I am not like everyone else. Dont compare me someone else. Im not just a somebody. I got something special. So get it right. Remember I can be the biggest bitch in the world, and guess what your experiancing the bitch mood right now but your so blind you cant see it. Guys.......... sometimes they are so not worth it! January 29, 2001 9:52 pm Well today was overall a good day. But once again something is bothering me, and ofcourse it has to do with guys. Two older men came in the store today and flirted with me. Ok yes I love the attention but them flirting with me has got me wondering. These two men were much older then me... One of them was a black male probably in his early 30's. And damn he is so fine, he looks just like R Kelly. Well the other day he told me that I had beautiful eyes and today he came in and called me sweetheart and stuff like that. DAMN i would bang the shit out of him..... But he has a wife and two kids. Now lets move to the other guy. He is white and has to be in his 40's and he came in today and told me that I should meet him at this bar tonight and chill with him. He also called me sweetie and hun. Like the other male who is EXTREMLY FINE this guy also has a wife and a child. But get this..... this guy practically begs for me to meet him at a bar right in front of his own child. I was like that is fucked up. Now i would never go out with this white male... for one he is not so attractive and he is old. But damn that R Kelly look alike is lookin pretty damn YUMMY. Now you are probably askin yourself why is this bothering me. Well damn think about it..... these guys have wives at home and they are a flirting with me a 19 year old WOMEN (im not a girl). It makes you kind of worried that when you may get married your husband could be out there flirtin with some girl and your child might witness it. Personally I would never cheat, but damn if these guys are wanting to hook up with me then they should not be with there wife. Why do guys cheat so much??? And it seems like so many guys want to cheat on there girl with me. Im not going to name any names but we know what guys out there who have cheated on there girl with me. What is it about me that makes a guy cheat. I have yet to find out, but I wish guys would start treating there current girls better. If your going to cheat then break up with them cause no one deserves that pain and heartache. January 29, 2001 1:31 am Well my day at horrible Winn Dixie turned very good when a friend of mine gave me info on my ex. Well his girlfriend (not his wife, he lied to me and told me he was married) is ugly, fat , and a bitch. They are in major debt and he is about to lose his job cause he is stealin shit. Im so glad that his life is so shitty cause he hurt me so bad. I hope he misses me cause instead of waking up next to ME... he is waking up to the sounds of his 7 month old baby crying or his ugly wife complaining. I love it! January 28, 2001 1:46 am God I hate work sometimes. I was supposed to get off at midnight so tell me why i didnt get off till 1am. But thats ok, im not going to complain. So now Im home talking to one of my sweeties.... Jerry and drinking warm wine. Now Im thinkin about all the guys who have screwed me over. So the song type thing at the end of the entry is for all those guys who have screwed me over. It seems like everyday I talk about how guys have screwed me over, but then again I want to be with one so bad. I think thats wierd, you would think that if something/someone has hurt you then you wouldn't want to deal with it anymore. But in my case I long for a guy. I think I guy would help straighten me out. I need that someone other then a parent or friend to tell me not to do that. Dont get me wrong it is a parents job to tell me what not to do, and its great having friends care so much about you but damn it sometimes gets annoying as hell to have someone say "BJ you know you shouldn't be doing that." Dont you think I know I shouldn't be doing that, but sometimes you do things for other reasons someone else might not be able to understand. So dont judge someone on their actions. If they havent hurt you or taken something from you then you should be totally fine with them. Now Im back to my old ways like in the old days, flirtin not givin a fuck Gotcha ya lookin in the mirror sayin "damn" sick thinkin about the next man fuckin this tight pussy Niggers want me even though they got a honey, if im going to be number 2 they given me some hush money Ask whitney i learned how to break a heart from you cuz when a womens fed up there aint nothin u can do Im that bitch dont you ever forget with you when you rich and when you didnt have shit Now he is cryin and beggin BJ let me come back Like Mark Morrison Return Of Mack baby January 26, 2001 7:02 pm Well today I went out and I swore that I saw my ex boyfriend on the road driving. And everytime I see that stupid ass all my feelings come back for him. You wonder how you could still care for someone so much even after they hurt you so bad. And even though we broke up over a year ago I still sometimes wish we were still together. And to this day I feel that if I didnt go off to Christopher Newport University, me and him would still be together. Even though I have experianced many guys since him..... there was no one who did anything for me except for one guy. But he is at CNU and my chance with him was over a long time ago. |
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