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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Winner For June 1999 is.... 183. I was on one of my first dates with a guy, so naturally we had not even come close to mentioning bodily functions, let alone sharing them with one another. He was driving me home one night, and I had the worst gas. I was trying to be secretive about the whole thing, letting them slip out silently. Well, I had successfully let three or four slide out, when by date started rolling up the windows as quickly as he could. "What's wrong?" I asked. He turned to me and said, "Don't you smell that?! I think we hit a skunk back there!!"-nat -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Entries For July 1999: 1. My friend and I were at a Third Eye Blind concert at Coachman Park near Clear water Beach, on Memorial Day, we were right by the stage and people were getting on other peoples backs and waving their arms and stuff. Well in front of us was this woman who was on her husbands shoulders and she was dancing like she was flying or as if she was a ballarina or something, and she let out this huge fart, and it smelt soooooo bad we had to laugh, and her husband practically dropped her on the ground. Lacy, Florida -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. One night about 2 summers ago, I was at my 2 cousins house for a weekly camp every year at their church that I usually go to with them, my cousin Josie and my sister. Well one night we were all kinda bored so my 12 year old sis. and cousins decide to to do something. my cousin Shannon held the pillow over my cousin Anita's face, who is my age at the time (14) , my Josie pushed on her bladder and my sis. tickled her feet, she was laughing so hard she farted, and peed all over........the bad thing was, was that she peed all over the mattress I was suppose to sleep on,she's the one who ended sleepin on the mattress for the rest of the week. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. It was the bottom of the sixth inning. In the league I play in, there is only 6 innings. We were down by to runs and the bases were loaded. My friend popped out. Now there was 2 outs. I knew a lot of players on the other team and I knew they get so hard on farts that they can hardly move. I told the coach I could hardly our problem. I went up to bat, swung and TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, there was the loudest fart anyone ever heard. The outfields all fell on the grass and started to laugh. The ball fell next to them. I ended up getting a grand slam and the grand fart award from my friends. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. When I was in 5th grade and went to summer camp we had a big meeting in the camps auditorium. Anyways it was real loud because everyone was talking so I thought I could quickly rip one. Any Ways it was sooo loud it echoed and everyone (even the cabin leaders) almost fell over. And ten different kids that were near me barfed and had to go to the nurses office. It was that loud and smelly! - Blaster Master -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Alight, one day in homeroom me and my two friends were sitting around and we had to read or we would get in trouble. Well we would always try to see who could fart the loudest. One of my friends was talking then he said "Oh my God, listen to this." So he lets it go and at first its starts out as a squeak but then after like a half a second he lets the loudest fart I have ever heard in my life, even you guys would agree with me. Even the class across the hall heard it.Well we were all cracking up and the teacher walks back in we were still cracking up for like 15 minutes straight. Then as were getting up to leave the teacher gives all detentions for laughing. I don't regret getting the detention because that was one of the funniest things I have ever heard. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Well I'm in 7th grade so I'm still taking Proficiency Tests. Anywho,I was taking one and was almost finished so I decided to stretch. I raised my arms, arched my back, and accidentally ripped one! It was loud because my butt was against my hard chair. It hurt me so bad I almost cried!I quickly went down and finished my test. I knew I was red, but to make things worse my friend Lisa turned around and said really loud"Did you do that?" I was so embarrassed! I still haven't lived that one down. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. ME AND MY BEST FRIEND WERE IN A SPECIAL MATH CLASS WITH THIS SUPREME GEEK AND EGO MANIAC. HE SAID HE WAS SO STRONG THAT ME OR MY FRIEND COULD STANDON HIS STOMACH AND HIS MUSCLES WOULD SUPPORT US. I ALWAYS LOVE BRINGING JERKS LIKE HIM DOWN TO SIZE SO I TOOK THE CHALLENGE. HE LAYED ON HIS BACK AND THE SECOND I PUT PRESSURE ON HIS STOMACH WITH MY FEET HE LET LOOSE A MONSTER FART HE MUST HAVE BEEN HOLDING IN SINCE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO NASTY THAT ME AND MY FRIEND HAD TO RUN OUT OF THE ROOM, WE FOUND OUT LATER FROM SOME OF HIS BUDDIES THAT HE HAD SQUIRTED IN HIS SHORTS AND HAD BEEN CRYING FROM EMBARRASSMENT. THAT'LL TEACH ALL THOSE MACHO GUYS OUT THERE!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. I was a Construction Mechanic U.S. Navy Seabee's. Every morning all of the mechanics would go to the maintenance Quonset hut, grab a cup of majorly wicked coffee and our work orders. After which we would all stand around and shoot the sh*t for about a half-hour or so.Well as normal 1st class petty office Resse would be working up his daily fart which normally was they very thing that would disperse us to work, for he had the god offal worse most rancid smelling farts known to man. On this one particular day however, I guess he felt that he had brewed up the biggest fart of the year and made a point of telling us this time it was coming. He raised his leg and grunted and with that his butt spewed forth not only a fart but also an explosion of liquid fart that shot down his leg.He expression of surprise was priceless, as was the laughter we all in the room expressed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. My house loves spicy foods like chili and tacos and spaghetti. The problem with these dishes is that I get gas really bad and when I pass it it has a strong, lasting odor. Well, my wife began getting upset with my stink so she began telling me I should step into the bathroom to release my gas, (though I believed that it would be like being a mile away from a nuclear blast for her I agreed). One night we had some super spicy, extra thick chili that really got the gas flowing in me. I had it so bad that I quit going to the bathroom and she began yelling at me while I laughed. So later that evening the gas was still flowing and she decided to take a bath. I waited until she was nice and comfy in the tub with lots of bubbles and went in and let a true prize winning fart escape! The smell was thick and made her gag and she began yelling at me as I laughed. I said, "You told me to start going to the bathroom!"I have not heard a word of it since then. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. I had really bad gas! Anyway, I was sitting there, and every body else was minding there own business. Just then I felt a rumble in my gut.Then it turned to bubbles. All of a sudden I let out the most terrifying,horrible fart in my hole life. It was a "Sielenet Killer". One after another my classmates started to pull there shirts over there noses,starting to gag saying "OH MY GOD!! WHAT THE HE*L IS THAT SMELL"???Well, perfect timing for my teacher to walk in the door. It took him a few seconds and said "SMELL'S LIKE SOMETHING DIED IN HERE"! I just burst out laughing, with all of my poor classmates gasping for air. I got sent out in to the hall for 15 min!!! I was known as MR.FART'S KEV~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. I made your fart story list last month and never thought that anything this hilarious would happen so soon or if ever. Last night my mother and I went to visit my uncle in the hospital.He suffered a mild heart attack only ,thank god. But it has made him cranky as he is not one 2 belaid up for long.When his dinner came and we were ready 2 leave he picked up a cup off the tray, smelled it and said "Oh my god its milk!" and poured it all over the floor.I nearly lost it then ,when the doctor came in followed by the nurse.My uncle at that moment cut the loudest,wettest most disgusting fart . My mother yelled "Pete! Check your pants!" My uncle yelled back"Check your own pants!" The doctor said very calmly with a dry wit,"Why dont we all check our pants?" I lost it. Totally. Every time I phone mom now I say"have u checked your pants?" She doesn't laugh but I do. Laura . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. Hi my name is Roxana and just before my husband and I got married we went out a lot of times but I never herd him fart or smell a fart which was good ,so one day I asked him how does he do it because after marriage the haleluya was gone, he even farted 38 times in one night and I recorded them. So I wandered how could I have not smelled the fart so I asked him and he told me "what was the thing I quitted after getting married ?" so I told hi .......smoking, and thats why he used to light up a cigarette so fast he almost crashed when driving and blow the smoke right into my face so to get revenge I went to the company he works in and played the tape in the anouncments and told everybody who he was ,unfortunately this did not work because he did not get ashamed and he even farted a couple of times during this proses. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" >The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her floor and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts......and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. I was in my science class a few weeks ago I have a huge crush on the girl sitting next to me I started talking to her and It smelt she started to like me and then I bent over to pick up my notebook and the loudest fart I've ever herd came flying right at her and then she got up and put her shirt over her nose and then it came the worst one of them all I popped another and boy it was an sbd (silent but deadly) and it stunk for five minutes and that girl never talked to me again. Thank you from Alsnow -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 15. IT was Christmas eve the whole family was at my house. my dog was sleeping under the couch when she ripped one! the whole family went outside so we could breathe and it was cold being in mich. but we didn't care!! the smell was two fold because she was in front of the heat duct!!!!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 16. One day my mum went shopping in a supermarket. All morning she had been complaining of gas. While she was out shopping she was dying to fart so she looked around the supermarket isle and couldn't see anyone so she let one rip just after she did she heard a clattering noise and when she looked up there was a man fixing the lighting she had missed him. She said that she has never been as embarrassed in all her life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 17. Me and my friends were in an activity class at our school. We were in the 7th grade and my friend always loved to fart. Every time he had to rip one he always said ready Freddy(i don't know y it was just funny). All the sudden he yells ready Freddy and he ripped a huge loud one. My teacher all the way across the room heard it. It smelled up the whole entire room and every one(including teacher) ran out of the room and started yelling. The only person in the room was my friend, laughing his head off and on the floor. The principle just happened to walk by the room when it happened and she wondered y only him was in the room ,we told her and she even laughed -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 18. One day my wife was leading songs at a Pentecostal service. It was a typical spirit filled service with lots of jumping and dancing around. The pastor is standing right be hind her. when all of a sudden her stomach starts rumbling, and out came a loud explosion which was picked up by the pastors mike. It ripped through the whole church. She turned around to find that the pastor nearly passed out from the smell. It didn't take long for all the windows and the doors to be opened as well. Talk about Smelling the spirit (LOL). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 19. When I was in 4th grade, there was a boy named TAYLOR HAMILTON in my class. one day while we were taking a test, there was a small squeak across from me. everyone looked around, but we just figured the chair made the sound. about 2 minutes later there was a slightly louder, and quite stinkier I may add fart from the same area. the kid turned all red but no one laughed. the class continued for a while but then the next sound was too great to go unnoticed. at first everyone thought it was a really raunchy fart but the kid started crying, he got up and ran into the bathroom. no one saw him for about 5 minutes, but when he came out there was a small brown stain on the left side of his shorts. after he took a couple of steps a nice sized turd slid down his leg and made a plopping noise on to the floor. DT & JM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20. I am a gymnastics coach. One day while teaching the girls giants on bars, this one girl let rip the longest loudest fart I ever heard. We all laughed until all of a sudden we got a whiff. It was gross. Like an egg fart. It was so bad I said okay girls let's rotate to floor. When we got to floor, David another coach, who had been drinking the night before, came over to me and I said,"man did you smell the fart Alexis did?He said, "actually Alexis did a real loud one, but it wasn't he's that smelled, it was his that since Alexis was already getting blamed for it he let out a rude silent but deadly. Doc -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 21. I am really self-conscious, and get embarrassed over every little thing. So, of course when I had to fart in sixth period Algebra, I was way embarrassed that someone would hear. I could feel it up there and I couldn't stand it anymore, so I started to push it out. It wouldn't come out, so I started to push harder, then all the sudden, I crapped my pants. I have never been so mortified in my life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 22. One day I must have eaten something that had gone bad, because all day I was letting out SBDF's (Silent but deadly farts). It was really embarrassing because during third period of school I was walking single file with my class to the library, and just my luck, I was leading the line. Passing students were looking at me weird because I had some pretty weird facial expressions because I was trying so hard not to let one out, and thats when my brother walked by and gave me a light jab in the stomach. I did the nastiest reaking fart, but there was no sound. So all the other students saw was students dropping like flies. I couldn't believe the stench that I let out. It stayed with me the whole day. Even when I went home, my mom took my pants and threw them outside because she said I was contaminating the air. It was the most embarrassing moment in my life.(_|_) <----- My butt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 23. It was sloppy Joe day at school. So after my friends and I ate lunch we went to our place to fool around like a regular day, well this day wasn't regular for that my girlfriend ate a little too much. We started to fool around and wrestle on the grass when I like pushed her magic button and the most watery, squeaky and foulest fart I ever heard and smelt escaped from her tiny hiny, its was putrid, I had to take a breather and so did everyone else who was around her. Vinny -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 24. Once when I was about 10 yrs old , my friend was staying over. He thought it would be funny to moon me & fart so he did. Except it was more than just a fart , he ended up sh*tting diarrhea all over the floor. It shot out like a poop firehose. The funniest thing I`ve ever seen ........we blamed it on the dog , from no name -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 25. From: Alex OH GOD! Yesterday I was in the bank with my mom and she was making a deposit.I was glancing around at all the customers. I spotted a little boy who was acting rather odd! He was holding his @$$ and hopping around. SO I watched him for a while to see what his irritated, and quite surly mother would do about his strange behavior. About a minute or so went by, and he tapped his mother on the arm. She turned around, looking rather disgruntled, and said" What is it NOW?!" and he whispers something in here ear, after which a quick look of surprise and horror came over her face. They ran over to a nearby teller and the woman pointed at the hopping boy and whispered something to the lady. Who also had the same look of terror on her face. She pointed to a hall way past the counter. The mother and her son went dashing across the room. And her son was making this noise. It sounded like an engine reving. and when they neared the hall, as we were leaving, a startlingly large bulge appeared in the back of his pants along with a HUGE ripper.me and my mom laughed ourselves all the way to the car.... it was funny. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 26. The following is a tale about how my farts became known as "train wrecks". My best friend and I were sitting watching a bad movie a few years back, when I felt the urge to let one fly. It was quite hot as it left my body. A few seconds later, the entire room was filled with the most putrid stench you've ever smelled. It was a sharp, rotten egg/vegetable smell that made the eyes water and the stomach churn. My friend was mad at me. About thirty minutes passed, and I felt another one start to brew in my belly. I decided to go to the bathroom (which is across the apartment) to let this one go, to be polite. It was equally as rancid as the first, and I was truly punished in the tiny confines of that bathroom. I waited a little while, then went back and joined my friend. In about 30 seconds, the fart followed me in the room!!! It was horrible! It was the stinkiest thing you've ever witnessed! My friend was not am> |
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