A Few Manly Jokes
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%....It's a Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive andsaid "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day! I divorced her."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
One day a husband and his wife were driving in their car. When suddenly the wife says, "I'm getting really tired of the crap I hafta deal with you so I want a divorce." Her husband says, "Okay." Then she says, "Yeah, and I'm gonna get 75% of your income." He replies, "Okay." Then she says, "And then I'm gonna get the house, the car and the kids, you'll never see them again." And he says, "Okay." The wife says, "why are you just saying 'okay'? Aren't you even listening to me? I said I'm going to take the kids and the house and car! And you don't care?!" He says, "No matter what you take away from me, I still have all I need right in front of me." She inquires, "And what might that be?" He says, "An airbag."
One day a man living in California found a genie. The genie says to him, "I'm not going to grant you 3 wishes, this time you only get one." The man says, "Alright, one is better than nothing." The man thinks long and hard and finally says, "I'm afraid of flying and I really want to move to Hawaii, so I wish you would build me a bridge to Hawaii." The genie is flabbergasted. He says, "Do you realize how long that is? And how deep the Pacific is? That would take more concrete than there is in New York to build. That's ridiculous, think of a new wish." The man thinks long and hard again. He says, "Well, I just broke up with my girlfriend because she said I wasn't sensitive enough and that I didn't understand women. I wish to understand women so I can get back together with her." The genie replies, "would you like that bridge two lanes or four?"
What do women and cats have in common?
Pussy farts
A man was listening to the radio when he heard that there was a car going the wrong way on Interstate 7, he knew his wife was driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell phone and hysterically yelled, "Honey, watch out! There is a car going the wrong way on the Interstate 7!" His wife replied, "There isn't just one car! There are hundreds of them!"
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19 Things To Do In A Bathroom Stall
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your >butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
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Men's Thesaurus
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday!!"
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated:* "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
