An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her "What are you doing naked, woman?"
She responds "This is the dress of love."
And he said to her "Well, go iron it first."
Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Back in the old days, farmers out in the Wild West used
to send away for "mail-order brides". One of these
farmers got himself a mail order bride and went to the
train station to pick her up. He pulled up to the
station on his horse, leading a pack mule for her
stuff. He got her stuff onto the mule and put her on
the back of his horse.
They started back to the farmer's place and a few miles
out of town, the horse spooked and threw the farmer
and his new bride to the ground. The farmer got up
and made sure she was okay and then grabbed the horse
by the reins and looked the horse in the eye. "That's
one," said the farmer.
They started on their way again. Again the horse
spooked and threw the couple to the ground. After
making sure that his lady was okay, he grabbed the
horsed reins again, looked it in the eye and said,
"That's two."
The couple started on their way again. Just as they
came to the gate to the farmer's house, the horse
spooke again. The farmer made sure that his wife was
okay. He then got out his gun, grabbed the horses
reins and looked the horse in the eye. "That's
three!!" He then shot the horse.
His new bride, shocked at this horrible thing done
right before her eyes proceeded to rant and rave about
how cruel the farmer was. The farmer let her go on
and on about his shortcomings. Finally, she ran out of
things to say. The farmer looked up and asked "Are
you finished?"
"Yes."
"That's one."
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life
wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they
vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might
try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you
go."
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon
as they got home.
"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two
conditions. First if it hurts, you'll stop right away, and
second," she insisted. "You must promise we won't go past my
mother's."
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her "What are you doing naked, woman?"
She responds "This is the dress of love."
And he said to her "Well, go iron it first."
Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was
a gorgeous redhead eating at the next table. He had
been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve
to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying
out of her socket towards the man. With his quick
reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she
popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you
dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and
afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for
a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she
brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him.
The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during
the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already
gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect
woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my
eye!"
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take apiece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
"Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take? "she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years? she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
In a mining district, Mrs. Brown presented her husband with
a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he
went to the newspaper office and told them that he had
found a 12 pound gold nugget, as pure as any in America.
Naturally, the newspaper sent a reporter to the house to get the
story, as anyone would do, and everyone was prospecting for
gold in the little town. This is what happened.
Reporter: "Does Mr. Brown live here?
She: "He does."
He: "Is he in?"
She: "No."
He: "I understand that he found a nugget of gold weighing
12 pounds."
She: (Seeing the joke) "Yes, he found one."
He: "Can you show me the spot where he found it?"
She: "I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private."
He: "Is the hole very far from here?"
She: "No, it is quite near."
He: "Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?"
She: "No, only about ten months."
He: "Has he reached the bottom yet?"
She: "No, but he is very near."
He: "Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?"
She: "Well, he thinks he was."
He: "Has he been working the claim regularly since
he found it?"
She: "No, but I told him last night it was time to
start again."
He: "I suppose he works it secretly?"
She: "Yes, mostly every night."
He: "Do you help him?"
She: "I do my best."
He: "Do you think he will sell the claim?"
She: "I doubt it, he gets so much pleasure
out of working it."
He: "Did he blast it out with nitroglycerine?"
She: "No, he used Vaseline and kept digging."
He: "Has he widened the hole any?"
She: "Yes, a little."
He: "How big is the hole?"
She: "Well, about normal size, I suppose."
He: "Is he going to improve the mine any?"
She: "Yes, he said he was going to white wash
the shaft tonight."
He: "Does he work alone at night?"
She: "No, I hold it for him and we split 50/50."
He: "Is he an expert at it?"
She: "Well, he does good work."
He: "Would you mind showing me the gold nugget?"
She: "Certainly." (Then she brought out the 12 pound
baby boy and they carried the reporter to the hospital.)
Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs
it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting
undressed, she playfullysays "Mirror, mirror, on my door,
make my bust-line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her
boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs
to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they
both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror
mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash; and both his legs fall off.
Two old ladies sitting on the porch at the old
folks home. One turned to the other and asked
"Martha, you were married a long time,
did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"
The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute
and said, "No, I think we had State Farm"
Dating Vs Married
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...... at all times
When you are dating... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare
When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
Men are like .....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like....Bike Helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like....Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like....High heels They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like....Handguns.
Keep one around long enough, and you're going to want to shoot it
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared,
50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Roger," she said, pointing, "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded.
"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for ten years, ever since I jilted him."
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating."
"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"
The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug.
They make love like never before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING uncontrollably and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she FAINTED!
After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded says: "Darlin, you sure never moved like that forty years ago or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember. The women, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says:
FORTY YEARS AGO THAT DARN FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED!!
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Roger," she said, pointing, "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded.
"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for ten years, ever since I jilted him."
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating."
The Test
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Element Name: Woman Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: Man Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known.
Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
A woman meets Dennis Rodman in a bar. After a few drinks they go back to his hotel room. Dennis begins to undress, removing his shirt to reveal a "Reebok" tattoo. He explains, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement." Next he takes off his pants to reveal the word "Puma" tattooed on his leg, and he gives the same explanation.
Finally, the underwear comes off and the girl sees the word "AIDS"
tattooed on his penis. She jumps back, screaming, "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" Dennis says,"Relax, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS."
"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Sherri to her best friend June.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," June responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution!" said Sherri.
