What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet but doesn't.
What's the difference between musicians and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How to musicians traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a musician's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What's the first thing a musician says at work?
"Paper or plastic?"
Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
They never know when to come in.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
What is the range of a piccolo?
Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always speeds up.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
Yeah, it took two hours to get the drummer out.
How do concert band flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
They ask their boyfriend to do it for them.
What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
When the engines stop, the whining continues.
How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1."Hi. I played that last year."
2."Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
What is the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up the bagpipe!
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are really the same size; but the violinists' heads are bigger.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?" Man #1: I was a doctor. St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates. St. P.: And what did you do on Earth? Man #2: I was a school teacher. St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates. St. P.: And what did you do on Earth? Man #3: I was a musician. St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...
There was this terrible plane crash, and a bunch of people died, and went to heaven, and St. Peter looks at the first guy, and says: (St. Peter) "How much money did you make last year?" (Guy #1) "Oh...about $130,000.00" (Pete) "Hmmmm. Nice income. What did you do for a living?" (Guy) "I was a lawyer." (Pete) "Nice profession. Pass on through the gates, to heaven." The next guy comes up, and St Pete says: (P) "How much did you make last year?" (G) "$66,000.00." (P) "Not bad. What did you do?" (G) "I was a plumber." (P) "Good, hard worker. You may pass on through the gates, to heaven." Third guy goes up to the gate, and St. Peter says to him: (P) "And how much did you make last year?" (G) "Well... I had a pretty bad year. I only made about $2,000.00." (P) "Two thousand, eh? What instrument did you play?"
Female guitarist shouting at her husband in a crowded shopping district: "Don't forget, honey, I need a new 'G' string."
