BAD TATSE
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger sorry and they continue on their way. After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
MONEY MONEY MONEY
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
PICK POCKET
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
HONEST LAWYER
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
SHORT LAWYER JOKES
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a bulldog? Lipstick!!!!
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called
"Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.
What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer's don't think they're funny and no one else thinks
they're jokes.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
None if they still have a secretary.
How does a pregnant lady know she is going to give birth to a future lawyer?
She gets this terrible craving for bologna!
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," he replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant,"That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is
a fish.
A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death." "Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney. "Because I want someone to be sorry I died!" came the reply.
In questioning potential jurors for an upcoming trial the Judge inquired, "Is there any reason why any of you cannot see this trial through to its conclusion?" A lone juror spoke up, "I can't!" stated the woman, "Why, just looking at the woman I'm convinced she's guilty!" "Madam," said the Judge, "that's the prosecutor."
A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer's office. "Is it true," said the Priest, "that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?" "I'm afraid you're misinformed," stated the lawyer, "People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one."
An attorney ran over to the office of his client. "I can't believe it!" said the angered attorney, "You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we're certain to lose this case!" "Relax," said the client, "I sent it in the prosecutor's name."
While summing up the State's case against the alleged despicable conduct of the defendant, the Prosecutor addressed the jury, "Ladies and gentlemen -- all I can say is that if Moses had known the defendant, there would have been two or three more Commandments."
After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentancing hearing said, "Mrs. Packard -- after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn't you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?" "I did," she said calmly. "And when was that?" quipped the D.A. "When he asked for seconds!"
After his motion to surpress evidence was denied by the court the attorney spoke up, "Your Honor," he said, "What would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool." The Judge, now also angered, revered, "I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court again!" "What if I only thought it?" asked the attorney. "In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have the right to think whatever you may." "Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record reflect, I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old fool."
What do you call a bus load of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start..
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one; once launched, they can't be recalled; and when they land, they screw everything up for the next 20 years.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Just two, all the rest are true.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. "Do you serve lawyers in here?", the man inquires. "Sure do!", replied the bartender. "Great!", the man said. "I'll have a Coors Light, and how 'bout a lawyer for my 'gator."
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, "Father, father, in one day I broke that accident case that you've been working on for the past four years!" "You did what!" His father exclaimed. "You idiot, what do you think put you through law school!"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
A lawyer is standing at the gates to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1. Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2. Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
GALLOWS
A judge was riding horses one day with a young lawyer friend. They came upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman's noose hanging from a tree, solemnly waiving in the wind. The judge turned to his riding companion and jokingly said, "Jacob, if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you would be?" "Riding alone," quickly came the reply.
AMISH MAN SUES
An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries.
However, according to the accident report, you told the
investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: Well ... let me explain.
Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.
Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first
looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the
officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'
CHARGE
After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring in an attorney's home he handed him the the bill. "Four hundred dollars for an hour's work?" cried the attorney, "That's ridiculous! Why I'm an attorney and I don't charge that much." To which the electrician replied, "Funny, when I was an attorney I didn't either!"
ROLEX
Firemen and paramedics frantically work to remove an attorney from his demolished car which was just involved in a head on collision. "Oh ... my Mercedes, my poor Mercedes ... Oh...," the attorney kept repeating through his pain. "Look fella," said the paramedic, "Quit worrying so much about your car, your entire arm has been severed below the elbow and you could bleed to death!" As the attorney looks down to see his arm missing, he begins whimpering, "My Rolex, my poor Rolex ... Oh ..."
THREE WISHES
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch." "What catch?" the man asked. The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted." "Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?" "I'd love a million dollars," replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man. "What is your third and final wish?" The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"
I GOT HIM
A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway. One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble. Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer. After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway. As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney. Surprised upon hearing a loud 'thump' as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road. "I'm so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!" the truck driver plead. "You did my son, but I got him with the door!" gleed the Nun.
BELIEVE A LAWYER
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks every year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two at this home, which happened to be in a backwoods. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. They had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however, being ignorant of nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, then swallowed him whole. The lawyer, instilled with fright, rushed back to his car and sped into town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the lawyer's unsettling story, grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer following closely behind. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!", cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, all the while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family lagged in the back of his mind. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!", exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other one!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
A RABBI, A HINDU AND A...
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later,the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" the lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn,as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
BLIND ANIMALS
A blind bunny rabbit and a blind snake were born into this world. Fate being what it was, the two crossed paths one day in a vegetable garden. "You know, all my life, I've wondered what I was", said the snake. "I don't know since I can't see anything." "I've wondered the same thing", said the rabbit. "Maybe together we can figure out who we are." "Ok", said the snake. So he curled up around the bunny rabbit and began to sniff and prod and stroke the bunny. "Hmmm, you're small, and soft, and warm and furry", said the snake, "and you have big ears and a bushy tail." The snake thought for a moment. "I know, you must be a rabbit!" "Oh thank you thank you!" said the bunny, "Now let me help you." So the bunny rabbit started sniffing at the snake, pausing to stroke him with his paws. "Well let's see. You're long and cold and slimy and have a forked tongue. You have scales.... I know, you must be a lawyer!"
NO BRAIN
It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his life behind bars. The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quite compelling. The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.
Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you
check his pulse"?
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was
still alive prior to declaring him dead?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to
declaring the victim dead that, in fact, he may have been
alive and that it was your negligence that caused the death?"
Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I
suppose he could have been out practicing law."
