Hi kids. Captain Punchy here, I'm a friend of BRAISCO.He is allowing me room on his website to talk about something that is very close to my heart. Those annoying celebrities that either through their work, words, or personality aggrivate me to the point where if they were standing in front of me I would have to turn their lights out. How did I get my name? I used to be clown that mainly worked at children's parties. I don't do that anymore for reasons my lawyer asked me not to discuss. Let's just say that those little brats can really get on your nerves.
This week the Captain reviews the Grammy awards for us. I had to edit out all
of the Jennifer Lopez comments for matters of taste but rest assured the
Captain gives her two thumbs up. Braisco
Rosie O'Donnell is our host and a frequent target of mine. I just can't help
thinking she looks Divine in that get-up.
*There'ye playing up the Latin music thing. Let me just say that Latin music
sucks. All those damned horns. I think the Ricky Martin backlash is in full
effect now. My prediction is that Ricky will be the next Wayne Newton.
*Sting wins best male vocal. Did he have a song out this year? Thanks his
parents by saying "They gave me my voice." Don't be too thankful there big
guy they also gave you that hairline.
*Is that Phil Collins I see? You'd think he'd get rid of that landing strip
on his head.
*Sheryl Crow, Melissa Etheridge and Sarah Mcglauclin are out to present the
best new artist award. They run down a list of former winners that went on to
greatness. No mention of Milli Vanilli, I'm shocked.
*Shirley Manson comes out in full school girl outfit. Two guys with her and
they are talkin about something. Did I mention Shirley Manson is in full
school girl outfit?
*Brittany Spears is on stage. The design of her dress makes it look like
there are initials on each of her breasts. I don't what she sang or how it
went. I spent the whole song trying to read her chest.
I fell asleep somewhere along line here so I know Santana won a bunch of
award and who cares about anything else. I'm gone.
Captain Punchy.
Gee, thanx Cap'n for such a detailed report.
Braisco
1/30/00
This week the good captain reviews the Golden Globe awards.
Hi, kids. I don't know why I watch these things because I know I'm gonna lose
it halfway through'em. But I do and here we go.
I have never seen HBO's The Sopranos so I can't comment on the people from
that show that won so screw it. let's talk about Sarah Jessica Parker. She
won the award for best actress in a comedy. Never seen her show either but
despite having something of a horseface her body was made for raunchy sex.
MAN, What I would do with a girl like that.
Jim carey won best actor in a comedy film. He had no speech prepared, which
is surprising considering he wins everything. Hasn't he had enough good luck?
If there's anyone that can make wretch on the floor just by their voice it's
Barbara Streisand. My God can she be more infatuated with herself? I pity
James Brolin who now must spend his days telling Babs how beautiful she is
and that selling her personal items is perfectly OK. Did you know some
dipshit bought her hair dryer for $2,000. Things like this make me think
about an involuntary sterilization program. Oh yeah she won some life
achievement award for doing something.
First let me say that I like Michael J. Fox as much as anyone. I also feel
really bad for him. Here he is, a good looking, albeit short guy. With a
happening career and a little hottie for a wife. BANG, he gets Parkinson
disease. It's just a damn shame. He won the award for best actor in a musical
or comedy series. Yeah it's a nice thought but I was hoping he would get on
stage and refuse the award. Tell the audience to shove it. Then drop his
pants and moon the crowd. How condescending to give this guy an award just
because of his problem. I tell ya, when I get on television right away I'm
gonna announce that I have hypertension, scurvy and erectile dysfunction,
coverin all my bases.
I'm guessin that at the Oscars this year Fox will receive a lifetime
achievement award for his "Back to the future" trilogy. Or maybe finally get
recognition for his work in "Teen Wolf." The academy can then go to the after
parties with big smiles and slap each other on the back because they "gave
one to the shaky kid."
10/1/99
LENNY KRAVITZ- Living proof that you don't need a soul to
rock n' roll. For those of you don't know Lenny's mom was
the actress that played the neighbor on the Jeffersons. You
know the black woman married to that geeky white guy. Well,
I saw an interview with sir Kravitz and he said he got shoot
one of his videos on the same set as the jeffersons was shot
on. He was touched because they let him visit her old
dressing room and he said he could feel her presence. Are ya
sure it was her presence Lenny? Maybe it was just the stink
from the mop bucket since they now use her dressing room as
the janitors closet. Lenny has got a bunch of fans and
himself to believe that everything he says, does or touches
has some sort of mystical meaning. It's gotten to the point
that every time he has a bowel movement it is considered a
spiritual awakening.
GEORGE W. BUSH- This whole I will not answer the question
about using cocaine has really gotten annoying. He is trying
to use this answer to gain support from people who hate the
media, younger hipper voters and of course strung out coke
fiends. When he refuses to answer we immediately assume he
has, he knows that and is using to look like a maverick.
Then his Father our former President comes out and says he
never asked his son about cocaine because it never occurred
to him. This is the same man who was unaware of selling arms
to terrorists even though he was at the meetings. To solve
this whole thing I suggest The younger Bush come out and say
"I once smoked crack but it'd OK because I didn't inhale."
REV. JERRY FALWELL- Would it be too much to ask a Reverend
to start preaching a little more and stop trying to be the
world record holder for media whoring. First he attacks
the Teletubbies and now has set his sights on the Lilith
Faire. Is he actually trying to suggest that Lilith and
lesbians are connected in some way? Gotta get up pretty
early to fool the good Reverend.
CALISTA FLOCKHART- I saw her whining in an interview that
media speculation about her having an eating disorder is
too much pressure for her to handle. I got two words of
advice honey. Number one: Shut up. Number two: Have a
Snickers bar for Christ sake.
OPRAH WINFREY- If pretentiousness were money she'd be the richest woman in America. Hey, wait. Isn't she the richest woman in America?
HOWARD STERN- I happen to be a fan of old banana nose but if he tells me once more how great he or his movie is i'm going right for that beak.
LINDA TRIPP- Even though she was beaten with the ugly stick twice, nobody deserves a shot in the jaw more than this backstabbing beast.
KATHIE LEE GIFFORD- If you have to ask why then I really want to smack you.
JEFF FOXWORTHY- To tie him up and repeatedly slap him is my all time favorite dream. At what point did he figure out that audiences were laughing at him not with him.
BILL COSBY- First let me say that he hasn't been funny in 15 years. How does he keep that family image despite making booty calls?.......SMACK.
JON STEWART-From game show host to his own talk show and now I hear he's supposed to take over "The Daily Show." How many shows can one man kill before he is cast off into Ken Oberville?
KEN OBER- How does it feel to know that sitting around in your underwear in the "Blues Traveler" video is you're best work to date? "Make me laugh" was the unfunniest show ever to be on television. The remake of the shoe Comedy Central is twice as bad. Even on show that putrid Mr. Ober couldn't stay employed.
BRYAN ADAMS-Living proof that you don't need a soul to rock n' roll. For more proof of this I refer to the song "Summer of 69". Considering he was like 12 in that year it hardly seems truly heartfelt. When Roger Waters performed a live version of "The Wall" from the site of the Berlin Wall he had Adams perform "Dirty Woman." You could actually hear some in the crowd chanting "REBUILD THE WALL." Well, I guess freedom has it's price. I propose a deal with Canada. Stop sending us Adams and we'll keep John Mellencamp under wraps.
STING-It's hard to believe that this guy was ever on the cutting edge of anything. I figure getting older has something to do with it, but maybe he just never recovered from working with Bryan Adams.
A FINAL NOTE-Michael J. Fox was originally on this list but for rather obvious reasons he was removed. It's bad enough being 4' 11" but now this,jeeeesh. How do you think his wife feels? She married a budding movie star and now she's really gotta be feeling jipped.
