Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?
The ship sank. Get over it.
Doing my part to piss off the religious right.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Montana: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an honor student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else
i say no to drugs,but they dont say no to me.
THANK YOU for keeping a work-free environment.
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
My kid beat up your honor student.
Nice face. But what are you going to do when the monkey wants his
ass back.
When I die, bury me face down, so the whole world can kiss my ass.
I want to be like Barbie the bitch has everything!
I LOVE CATS, THEY TASTE JUST LIKE CHICKEN!
Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton!
If you're hemorrhoids, get off my ass! -Sam Matush
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Stickers We'd Like To See
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it
wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end
to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things
left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
42% of all statistics are made up.
