--Joke 1--
This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?" The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full" The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke....... and some folks can't"
--Joke 2--
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.' His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.' Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'
--Joke 3--
A guy walks into this bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man noticing that his beer is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says "Don't bother getting those girls a drink, it won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." The man says, "Naaa. Give em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes. The girls out of respect raise their glasses, in a sort of thank you, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that the girls are empty again. So the man yells, "Hey bartender, how about another round over here?" The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." Well the man puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just waisting my time??" The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians, we love to eat pussy!!" The man now has a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender, 3 beers for us lesbians!!!"
--Joke 4--
A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you sell condoms here?" The bartender replies, "Sure do." "How much do they cost?" "They're different prices for the different styles. You go over to the right wall, pick out the one you want and come back and let me know which one and I'll give you a price." So the guy goes over and picks out a hot pink one with black poke-a-dots. He asks the bartender how much? "That will be $1.15 + tax." "I don't need the tacks! It'll stay up all by itself."
--Joke 5--
A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is. So they guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his right and sees a black guy come in. The black guy pulls out his cock and it's fucking huge. The black guy goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to a sink, swings his disk and smashes the sink in two, he then goes over to the toilets doors and smashes his cock off the door smashing it in half. He says to the guy, "I'm gonna fuck you up the ass!!!" The guy goes "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with it."
--Joke 6--
A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer please" The bartender says "Certainly sir, that's £1.80 please" And the pig goes "Well, the thing is before I cam here I'd just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets." And the bartender goes "Well that's all very well but why the round tale/tail?"
--Joke 7--
A crocodile walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Once upon a time there were three bears, mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear. One day the three bears decided to go for a walk because it was a nice day. Whilst they were out this nosey little bitch called Goldilocks stumbled upon their home and by smashing a window entered the cottage. She walked into the kitchen and found three bowls of porridge, a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a greedy cow she ate all three up. Then she walked into the living room and saw three chairs - a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a dirty cow she pooed on each one. Then she went upstairs into the bedroom and saw three beds - a small one, a medium one and a large bed. First she sat on the biggest bed but it was too hard, then she sat on the medium sized bed but alas it was too soft and then she sat on the smallest bed and it was just right because it had a Teletubbies quilt cover. Goldilocks was so content that she fell asleep. Soon after, the three bears came back from their walk. "Who's been eating our food?" wailed mummy bear "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear "Your food tastes like shit anyway!" Then the three bears walked into the living room "Who's been pooing on my chair?" wailed mummy bear. "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear. "We always poo on our chairs." Then the three bears went upstairs because they were tired after their walk and they were looking forward to a bit of hanky panky because they are funny little bears. "WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED?" bellowed daddy bear. "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" cried mummy bear. "Look, look there's somebody in my bed" said baby bear with glee. On hearing all this commotion Goldilocks woke up with a fright and immediately ran downstairs and all the way home and that was the last they ever saw of Goldilocks. "That's all very well" replied the bartender "but why the long tale?"
--Joke 8--
A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his brethren. Immediately one of the other salesmen accosted him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-bitch, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?" Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogshit. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!! This stuff tastes like SHIT!!' I reply 'Yessir! EXACTLY what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?' "
--Joke 9
A man walks into a bar that is trying sponsoring the ultimate off-the-wall politically incorrect contest--dwarf tossing is nothing compared to this! The contest is for the man who brings a wife or girlfriend with the smelliest pussy. Our hero walks up to the stage and tells the M.C. the contest is as good as over; in a minute he will bring in the smelliest pussy in the world! The M.C. says to go ahead and everyone gasps as the man drags in a huge, fat, bloated woman. "Look at her!" says the M.C., "She's so fat and bloated she can't even walk! My God her pussy stinks!" When she reaches the stage the M.C. is ready to concede the contest even before the man pulls up her skirt and drops her panties. When he does this the audience starts pagging and retching right and left! The M.C. hurriedly passes our man the prize money and says "You certainly won this hands down, but tell me: How on earth can you live with the smell of this woman's cunt?" "It's not really that hard. You kind of get used to it." says the winner, "After all, she's been dead about two weeks now!"
--Joke 10--
This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says " I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?" The lady turns around and says "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!" The bloke then says "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it--please let me" The lady turns round and says "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!" The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp." "RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman. Just then her boyfriend came out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here??!!!" The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!" Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!" So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve! "And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?" Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"
--Joke 11--
Three drunks are in a bar. First one says, "I'm the bravest in here." His friends say, "Prove it." He puts his hand on the bar and tells the bartender cut it off. Whack! Off comes the hand. The second man walks to bar. Yells out cut off my arm. Whack! Off comes the arm. The third man walks to bar, stands on a stool, pulls out his penis. The bartender asks, "Do you want me to cut it off?" "NO!" yells the man. "Just rub it it'll come off itself."
--Joke 12--
A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink. He then stands up and yells across the bar "Who is the baddest man in here?" This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am." Well, the little guy goes over and whips the shit out of the big man and leaves. Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the shit out of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla. Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's the baddest man here?" Bartender says "he's in the bathroom!" After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender "when the nigger wakes up tell him his fur coat is in the trash can!"
--Joke 13--
Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender. "No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"
--Joke 13--
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pajamas off."
--Joke 14--
This guy is sitting at a bar having a few wobbly-pops and suddenly gets this feeling that he has to go make an urgent call to the potty. So he goes into the bathroom and sees this really short guy taking a piss. He takes the stall next to this short guy, and while taking a piss the guy happens to look over at the littlenguy and by accident sees his dick. He just can't help saying to the guy "man that is a big dick! I wish that I had a dick that big!" "Well" says the little guy," I'm leprechaun and I can grant you one wish, and all you have to do is suck on me wang!" In horror of the thought the man exclaims, "I don't think so you little faggot, even for a dick that size!" "Fine then" says the leprechaun. But after a minute of thinking the man says "Alright I'll do it." So the man starts to suck the leprechaun's dick and when he is finished he says "I can't believe that I am going to have a dick that big!" And the little guy says, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"
--Joke 15--
A guy is sitting at the bar watching the game and enjoying his beer. Another guy strolls over and they begin to converse. After a while the second asks if he had ever played "beer football?" He said no, and asked how to play. "Well, if you chug a beer, you get 6 points, and if you bend over and fart, you get an extra point." So, the second guy starts off by chugging his beer and farting. The first man chugged his beer with ease, and when he bent over to fart, the second guy came up behind and exclaimed, "BLOCK THE KICK!"
--Joke 16--
There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest. After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unfazed, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. Upon which seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs into the john. an hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left, so he ventures out and upon seeing the other piece of tarmac, he is asked why he ran off. To this he replies "Haven't you heard about him?, He's a CYCLE-PATH !!!!!!"
--Joke 17--
3 Midgets are in a bar arguing. "I have the smallest hands in the world!" says the first. "I have the smallest feet in the world!" says the second. "I have the smallest penis in the world!" bragged the third. The bartender eventually gets annoyed and says, "Enough is enough! Tommorow you all go down to the Guiness Book of World Records and find out where each of you stands!" They all do. The first midget returns to the bar with a trophy "smallest hands in the World" and a check for $5,000. The second returns to the bar with a trophy "smallest feet in the World" and a check for $5,000. The third returns in a terrible mood, stomps into thebad and hollers, "Who in the hell is Al Gore????"
