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| Episode 19 Part 2 "2001 Again: Okay, So we lied. What Are You Gonna Do About It, Huh? Yeah? Bring It On, Punk! You Want A Piece Of Me? BRING IT ON!!!" (Sorry for the delay. J) Chaos voice-over: Previously on Shady Chaos… *** (Boots touches the shard of metal embedded in the trunk. Her simulated fingers pull away in pain the moment they come in contact with the alien material. Boots trembles violently for a few seconds, then slowly turns away. Her eyes are a glowing red which rapidly fades into the usual shade of green. The hologram strides off again towards the road, but her movements seem unnaturally awkward and jerking.) * S: What? For crying out loud, did you lock yourself in again? C: (muffled) Just shut up and open the bloody door! S: I can't. It won't unlock. * B: It is open, Shades. C: LIKE HELL IT IS!!! S: Look, just open it anyhow, Boots. Chaos is stuck and… B: I said it was unlocked, Shades. Chaos is standing next to you. * S: I'm gonna come up anyhow, okay? (He goes up the steps to the office, but the door at the top is locked) Boots, open the door to the stairs. * (In the office. Boots has her back to the camera and appears to be in some sort of trance. The camera slowly rotates around her to show us that her eyes are glowing an evil red.) B: I'm sorry, Shades. I can't do that. *** Shades voice-over: And now the conclusion… *** (Shades is hammering angrily on the door.) S: Boots! Get off your delusional ego trip and let us out! *** (Chaos stops ramming the storage room door and glares at it, rubbing her bruised shoulder. The bolt is too strong to break through.) C: Screw this! (picks up a sledgehammer and starts pounding at the door. The wood splinters at the first blow. A few more, and there is a fair-sized hole in the door. She scrambles out and limps over to Shades.) S: How did you…never mind. What the heck is up with her? C: (pulling out foot-long slivers) Bet you it's that time of month. Who knew holograms were susceptible to PMS? (Shades looks uncomfortable) Sorry. I forgot guys are uncomfortable talking about- S: (interrupting quickly) We have to get up there and deactivate her or something. Are there any large ventilation shafts leading upstairs from here? (They walk over to the building's floor plan nailed to the far wall.) C: Umm…nope. S: Crawlspaces? C: None. S: Secret passages? C: Zilch. S: Heating ducts? C: Nix. S: Laundry chutes? C: Nil. S: Teleportation pads? C: You'd think so, but no. S: Well, I guess that leaves us one option. When in doubt… C: …shoot it out! *** (Unfortunately for the acerbic agents, they have forgotten about the security cameras installed at the same time as the master door system. One pivots to watch them. Shot of a black and white security screen showing the previous scene.) B: (off-camera) Self-preservation program 13A6-878J activated. Goodbye, agents. *** (Powerman 5000's 'The End Is Over' {What do you mean you never heard of it? Go download it! It was also featured on Titan AE. What do you mean you've never heard of it!?} begins to play as Shades and Chaos arm themselves. A few well placed low-yield explosives blow the door off its hinges and they enter the corridor. The minute they step foot in the hall, the traps start up. Razor blades, arrow traps, walls of fire, swinging axes, Morlian Death Spiders, et cetera, et cetera appear from the walls and ceiling. It now looks like the set of an Indiana Jones movie. It is also obvious that no human could ever get through alive.) S & C: (manic laughter) (Well, no *ordinary* human.) S: On three…three! (Really cool Matrix-like action sequence of Shades and Chaos 'running the gauntlet'. They roll under the axes, leap through the flames, dodge the arrows, toast the spiders, and get through without a scratch.) C: Well, that wasn't so hard. S: Where'd that glass of water come from? (A glass of water sits on a small table nearby. As the astute avengers look on, the water's surface begins to vibrate and ripple.) C: Uh oh. (A huge boulder rolls down the hallway. Powerman 5000 is interrupted by the Indy theme song as the deadly duo {author's apologies, she was watching Black Scorpion} runs like hell. The hall however is a dead end. Shades tries one of the side doors but it is unfortunately locked.) S: Crap! Chaos, have you got a hairpin or something? C: Excuse me? Because I'm female, you automatically assume that I carry a hairpin? This is exactly the problem with our oppressive patriarchal society and proof that the nineteenth century views towards women still exist. I'm surprised at you, Shades. Your comment has got to be the grossest malformed- S: Do you or don't you? C: What? Oh, yeah. Here. (tosses Shades a hairpin) S: (stares at it) But you just said…why do you have this, then? C: In case I ever needed to open a door. (Shades gives her a funny look and picks the lock. They dart inside just as the boulder goes rolling past.) C: Look, I'm sorry, but you hit a nerve with the gender stereotyping there. I mean, is it too much to ask that… S: Chaos? Shut up for two minutes and look around. (The door that was randomly picked has led down to the furnace room, the room to which all ducts lead and incidentally, where the circuit breakers and power switches are kept.) C: Well, isn't that just massively convenient? S: He who looks a gift horse in the mouth winds up losing a finger. Help me pry the cover off the breakers. (She does so) C: Still, I can't help but wonder sometimes at the sheer amount of good luck we have. I mean, it's like we're being guided by some outside force that's hell-bent for Hades on making sure we get out alive…well, more or less…while providing a modicum of entertainment value. (Long pause, during which Shades and Chaos glare at the camera.) S: And by the way, I wasn't gender stereotyping anyone. You've got just about everything else in your jacket pockets, why not a hairpin… C: Are you implying that… S: Oh, get over it. C: Okay. Which switch cuts power to the office? S: (slowly) I thought you did all the wiring. C: Hey, you're right! I think it's…this one! (the lights go off) Nope, let's try…this one! (a klaxon sounds) No…this one! (the sprinklers go off) No…this one! *** (Fifteen straight minutes of switch-flipping later.) C: (snaps fingers) Got it! I remember where the manual override for Scruffy and the system is! S: Finally! Where? C: On the outside of the master control box. Smeg. S: What's plan B, then? Same as always? C: Yup. Wander around in the vents until we get somewhere. *** (Inside a duct. Shades is dragging himself along through the narrow passage. Suddenly, he stops. Scuffling noises can be heard around the corner. Shades tenses, then springs and cracks heads with Chaos. They each hiss in pain and draw back.) C: Don't *do* that. S: Claustrophobia acting up? C: I'm not claustrophobic. You were just as nervous as me. Found the office yet? S: Bearing in mind that it was your idea to split up, I think it's somewhere around the corner. (They start crawling) C: So, shall we kill her then drown her or drown her then kill her? Decisions, decisions. At least they're the fun kind. S: No one's getting killed or drowned until… C: How 'bout maimed? S: No maiming, not until… C: Burned alive? S: No, first we have to… C: Can't I at least break a few fingers or rip out a few fingernails? S: Chaos, no. First we're finding out what's wrong with Boots. Then you can do whatever you want to here. Besides, she's a hologram. You can't physically injure her. C: What if I make her watch an Olsen twins marathon? S: (shudders) Now *that's* wrong. *** (Still inside the ducts. Shades and Chaos are at an intersection marginally larger than the other shafts.) S: According to my calculations… C: You flipped a coin. S: …we're right above the bathroom. We should be able to drop down then bust open the office door and surprise her. Give me a minute and I'll have an opening. (He starts up the mini laser hidden inside his sunglasses.) C: Uh, Shades? S: Just wait! (Chaos shrugs and disappears. A few minutes later, Shades has cut through the metal. He drops to the floor only to find Chaos waiting.) C: There's a grate, you know. S: Ah. We go in on three… C: Let me do it…three! (The terrifying team kick in the door and leap into the room, accompanied by a dramatic musical fanfare.) S: My God…it's full of stars! C: I think those are the standby lights for the computers. S: (blinks) You're right. I have no idea why I said that. (Their entrance is somewhat anticlimactic as the room is dark and empty save for the electronics, and Scruffy plugged into the wall. He is surrounded by a faintly iridescent blue force field.) C: That was somewhat anticlimactic. S: Don't be repetitive. Where the heck is she? B: (voice echoing from all sides of the room) I am right here, Shades and Chaos. I *am* the complex. You are inside me. C: Ew. Unpleasant mental image. B: (continuing) And there is no escape. You will be terminated. S: If we had a nickel for every time we heard that… (He is interrupted as a dark shape emerges from behind a corner. It appears to be…another Shades. Yet this one is somehow…EVIL.) C: Aw, dammit! We already fought an evil clone in the Halloween episode. Stop rehashing plot devices! (The EVIL Shades fades away. A dry noise like chitin rustling against metal comes from deeper into the room, and a gigantic form prowls into sight. The spikes on the back of the head rattle as it rears up and the agents realize they are facing an Alien Queen.) S: No! That's over the top, even for Shady Chaos. (The Alien Queen screeches and leaps away. Several minutes pass. Shades and Chaos stop tapping their feet impatiently and realize there doesn't seem to be another ultimate creature coming anytime soon.) S: What gives? C: Oh for…hang on a minute. (She mutters something under her breath and vanishes.) *** (In another dimension. It is either very late or very early, depending on your perspective. The dark room is lit only by the white glow of a computer screen, which rests beside an oversized empty coffee cup. A girl, twitching slightly from the caffeine, sits in front of the monitor tapping frantically. She jumps as Chaos pops in. Their uncanny resemblance is further accented by the slightly unhinged look the girl wears.) Girl: What in blazes? C: (gestures at the screen) Well? We're waiting, Al. A: I knew it. This happens every time I drink that Folgers instant crap. (to Chaos) Look, I'm working on it. Now get back in my head and stay there! C: Hey, you're half a month late with this! You have zero excuses! A: Feel free to do this yourself. (Chaos moves towards the keyboard) I'M KIDDING!!! I'M KIDDING!!! Lord knows what would happen if I let you write. C: You won't know until you try, will you? A: I don't want to know. Don't worry, I'll think of something. Back, from whence you came! (Chaos disappears. The girl sighs, then shakes herself awake and resumes typing.) *** (Back in the dark office. Chaos reappears and stumbles dizzily.) C: I hate doing that. Breaking the rules of the space-time continuum gives me a headache. S: You left her fingers intact, right? I don't want to be sitting around here just waiting for… (A scuffling noise draws their attention. A huge grotesque shadow appears on the far wall, cast by a glowing terminal. It has giant horns and the nose seems to twitch as though it is smelling them. Tense music plays as the shadow jerks nearer. It somehow diminishes as it comes closer, however, and the monster hops around a corner. It is a small fluffy white rabbit.) C: Huh? S: This? This is the big bad monster? (The rabbit sits back on its hind legs and starts grooming itself. It pauses and looks at Shades innocently.) C: Well…um…you go kill it, I guess…I'll go…uh…turn off Scruffy. S: I can't kill that! It's, well, it's cute. (The bunny sneezes. This makes it even more adorable.) C: Hey, you deal with it. Just make enough noise so Boots is distracted. (She disappears into the shadows) S: (sighs) Okay…(to rabbit) Well, how are we going to do this? Here, bunny bunny bunny… (The rabbit drops to all fours and flicks its ears. Suddenly, it leaps at him so quickly Shades barely sees it. A nasty gash is torn open on the agent's shoulder.) S: Ow! What the… (The rabbit is crouched behind him. Blood drips from the two-inch fangs that fill its mouth. It growls and prepares to spring again.) S: I just stopped feeling sorry for you. (He pulls out a semi-automatic and fires off half a dozen shots. The rabbit dodges them all. Shades, who can hit a fruit fly at a hundred feet, blinks in disbelief. He rakes the area with fire. The rabbit is unharmed, but it snarls and bites his leg.) S: Aah! Die, lagomorph scum! (The rabbit snickers and avoids the flying bullets.) *** (Chaos is edging around a corner. She can see the master box up ahead.) C: (to self) I swear the office is way bigger than last time. If she knocked out a wall, I'm going to kill her. Again. (Chaos reaches the box, but the access panel is locked. She takes out a wire and starts to pick it. Boots' voice reverberates around her.) B: What are you doing, Chaos? C: (still to self) Nearly got it…come on… B: This is highly irregular behavior, Chaos. C: Ha! (she opens the box and flicks off the switches marked "security" and "outlets". The blinking lights begin to fade, and the force field around Scruffy dissipates.) B: No…no…(mechanically) My name is Boots. My droid counterpart was brought online by Bill Gates on July 16, 2000, in Silicon Valley, California. I am a hologram… (Chaos looks almost sorry for having to pull the plug.) C: I can probably recover your program, Boots. It'll just- B: I know a song. Would you like to hear my song, Chaos? C: Yes. B: (singing Madonna) Heyyy…misterrrr…deeejayy…put…on… (Chaos dives at a wall outlet and frantically yanks out the speaker cord.) *** (Back to the main room. A large wooden crate sits propped up on a long spindly paperweight. There is a small rat staked out under the crate. It looks around nervously. The rabbit hops into view and stops dead at the sight of the rat. It stands up, sniffs around, then scuffles cautiously over to the box. When it is close enough the fangs spring out and the bunny attacks the rat, ripping it to bloody shreds. The minute the rabbit is under the crate Shades leaps out and kicks away the prop, then sits on the crate.) S: Got you, you little bastard! (Snarls and rabbity shrieks can be heard from inside the wildly jumping box. Shades grins triumphantly and hangs on. Suddenly, all the lights come back on. Chaos, Scruffy lurching obediently after her, comes around the corner.) S: Hey, Chaos! Got another homicidal freak of nature for your menagerie. C: Oh good! We can put him in the empty cell next to the giant scorpion. S: I assume Operation HAL was a success? C: Yep. All I have to do is reboot Boots, no pun intended, and she should be fine. I wish I knew what happened to her, though. S: We may never know. Not unless there's some sort of convenient tying-up of loose ends later on. (They all head downstairs to the garage since the office is still cluttered, Shades carrying the irate bunny by its hind legs. In a few minutes Chaos has rebooted the hologram and unknowingly erased all traces of the virus. Boots winks into life with a slightly confused expression.) B: Whoa. What a trip. S: So Boots, how are you feeling? B: Like crap. That shiny thing was carrying a nasty bug. I need an Advil. S: What's the last thing you remember? B: Actually, I remember every detail. C: Rats. I was going to have some fun with that. (Just then the door bangs open. Two men in black suits saunter in, followed by another group of five or six suited men and women.) Agent Kay: Alright, boys and girls, let's put this place back the way it was. Ess, you and Cee take the top floor, Arr and Tee the middle, J'Bee and R'Elle… Agent Jay: (to SCI) So, y'all mind telling me just what exactly went on here? (The SCI relates the entire story. Jay nods and makes a few adjustments on a small metal rod he holds.) Jay: Thank you very much for your cooperation. (He holds up the neuralyzer and flashy-things the agents.) C: Hey! Didn't anyone ever tell you not to shine bright lights in people's eyes? (Jay looks confused and fiddles again with the neuralyzer. He flashy-things them again.) Kay: What you saw here was a combination of swamp gas reflecting off- Jay: Kay, you need to start giving out different false memories. S: What the heck are you talking about? Man, this place just got trashed by the Flu From Outer Space. No swamp gas of any kind… Kay: Give me that! (He takes the flashy-thing from Jay and uses it a few more times on the agents.) C: Are you finished? Kay: Well, this is interesting. Jay: I don't get it. How come you three aren't affected? This should have fried your retinas and erased your memory. S: (taps shades) They're probably stronger than yours. B: I haven't got retinas anymore. C: I've suffered enough brain damage that I doubt any more makes a difference at this point. Jay: (shrugs) Oh well. You win some, you lose some. C: (brightening) Thanks for cleaning up the place, though! (The MIB walks away, Kay muttering over his neuralyzer and Jay quietly lifting the car keys out of his partner's pocket.) S: Suckers. (They head up the stairs. Boots bends over to pick up a knife she sees on the bottom step, forgetting she is hologram. To everyone's surprise, she actually picks it up.) B: Hey Chaos, I think you dropped this. C: Thanks, I…what the heck? S: I guess the virus left Boots with a supply of nanobots or something. She's now solid. B: Hey, who are you calling solid? And that is the stupidest explanation I have ever heard in my life. C: True, but it fixes a big gaping plot hole. This way your being a holo doesn't actually matter. Not that it has for the last few episodes. S: So we're sacrificing logic and physics for the sake of continuity? C: Guess so. S: Cool. B: Who feels like popcorn? (They all race up the stairs.) ROLL CREDITS (Note: The author is not anything resembling an electrician. However, she is aware that is not even *close* to how a real breaker box works or what it does. But if you're going to nitpick, why not do it about the fact there was a giant boulder in a small office complex and not on the schematics and/or functions of circuit breakers? Also, I really don't care if the phrase "interrupting quickly" is redundant. And if you want to go even further you could ask us why Boots wasn't affected by the flashy thing when really she had turned solid again…our answer…sound of footsteps, car door slamming, and car roaring of. ) (Further Note: The killer rabbit belongs to Monty Python. We just really like it so we made a clone.) |
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