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Bill Clinton Jokes

Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
So he can stay up for long hours, to satisfy the needs
of his staff!

Clinton bumps into a new intern in the hall. He stops,
stares at her a moment and then asks "are you new
her?"
The intern replies "Why yes, I am, this is my second
day."
"I thought so," said Clinton, "I didn't think I had
cum across your face before..."
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are
traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado
comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses
them thousands of yards away.
When they come down and extract themselves from the
vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They
decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a
brain."
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a
heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

"I feel schizophrenic; first he says 'open your
mouth,' then he says 'keep it closed.'"
- Monica Lewinski

President Clinton's Motto:
Eatin' ain't cheatin'

Two of Bill's sperm were racing toward the cervix and
the first one said, "How far do you think it is to the
fallopian tubes?"
The other one said "It can't be too far. I think we
just passed the tonsils."

Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be
grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you
saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's
face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my
head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And
additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to
fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer
week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I
feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly
obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex
right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on
high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk
off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my
teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games
immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you
would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not
to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just
enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it.
See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I
don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they
don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth
shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or
brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not
mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette
(by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you
don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and
dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a
hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word
"queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry
about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in
your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching
and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five
straight days, you need all the fluids you can get.
trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell
you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor
country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in
your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've
had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in
the morning now, but when you get old & fat and
looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound
asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about
getting any on your face, now will you?

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask
your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on
that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks
the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then
drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high
place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors
while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter
on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall
wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you
kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little
too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again
on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay
down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the
floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and
adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say,
"Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall
and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers
candy bar with you and when someone is next to you,
squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall
and say "You got any more toilet paper over there,
This side's completely out."

The F Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words
in the English language today is the word "fuck". It
is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can
describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical
categories.

 It can be used as a verb, both transitive
(John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked
by John).

 It can be an action verb (John really gives a
fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a
fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John),
or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

 It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is
fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late
for my date with Mary).

 It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is
easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the
overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its
sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used
to describe many situations...

Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."

Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"

Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."

Aggression "FUCK YOU!"

Disgust "Fuck me."

Confusion "What the fuck.......?"

Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"

Despair "Fucked again..."

Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."

Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"

Lost "Where the fuck are we."

Disbelief "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"

Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"

Denial "I didn't fucking do it."

Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."

Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"

Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"

Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."

Directions "Fuck off."

Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a
fucking asshole."

It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking
thirty."

It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with
this fucking job?"

It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."

It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people
throughout history...

"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle

"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck."
- Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
- Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my
head."
- John F. Kennedy

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Page Updated Fri Mar 24, 2000 7:32pm EST