Drunk Jokes - Drunks................. - Weird Stuff - http://phatbowling.com/fruity/Drunk

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your
beer on.
Kiss my Ass

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The
bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen
Ilene?" The guy is rather confused and asked " Ilene
who?" The bartender relies " I lean over and you kiss
my ass." Well the man was offended by this and walks
out the door and into the bar across the street. So he
sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his
beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender
said to him. The bartender then told him," You know
what you should do, you should go back over there and
ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who
you say I bend over and you kiss my ass. So the guy
goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if
he has seen Ben. And the Bartender said " Yep, He just
went out the door with Ilene." The guy asks" Ilene
who? ......

Some Nerve

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an
already very busy bar and says to the bartender, give
me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer and have
one yourself. The bartender serves everyone a beer and
draws one for himself. He walks over to the
benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man
tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The
bartender physically ejects him from the bar and
deposits him prone on the sidewalk. The man picks
himself up and strodes back into bar. He crawls on a
stool and says to the bartender "give me a beer and
give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get
too mean when you drink".

Fishing

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known
drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one
day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.
Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble.
Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.
Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large
genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one
wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this
whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The
lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold
looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now
we have to piss in the boat."

Bubba

Bubba and Bubba Jr. were driving down an Arkansas back
road drinkin' some Budweisers when they spotted a
Police roadblock ahead.
Bubba Jr says: 'Dad, are we gonna get caught drinking
and driving agin?' Bubba pulls off the road and says:
No, son. Finish your beer, peel off the label and
stick it on your forehead, stash the bottle under the
seat and I'll do the talkin'
They pull up to the roadblock and are stopped, the
officer asks 'You boyz been drinkin?'
No, Bubba says, we're on the patch!

Two Drunks

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is
crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all
over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The
other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your
wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten
spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk
was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your
clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says
drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and
begins yelling at him about his clothes and how
disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie
and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my
shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds
twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the
guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants
too."

NEWS FLASH
Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer
contains small traces of female hormones. To prove
their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and
observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense
and couldn't drive.

THE DRINKER'S ALPHABET

A-Alcohol:The key to surviving college

B-Beer:The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great
for chugging

C-Class:What you're supposed to get up and go to after
a Thursday night party

D-Dancing:A favorite pastime of almost every drunk,
usually looks pathetic

E-Emergency:The keg is empty or there is no one over
21 in your drinking party

F-Fucked Up:Signified by leaning over a toilet puking
your guts out

G-Games:Anything that involves cards, dice and
chugging beers

H-Hang-over:Reminds you of how great last night was
and how much you drank

I-Idiot:The guy that spilled his beer on you and
everyone else at the party

J-Jail:Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake
ID or stagger home

K-Kissing:What you'll do to anything that moves after
15 beers

L-Lord:Person you beg to get you out of every
situation involving alcohol

M-Money:That which you no longer have due to too much
partying

N-Not Again!:What you scream when you wake up beside
someone you don't know

O-Oh shit!-What you say as you're falling down the
stairs.

P-Pee:What you have to do every five minutes while
you're drinking beer

Q-quilt:What you puked on last night in bed and have
to clean in the morning-YUCK!

R-Reform:What you promise god you will do while you're
puking in the toilet

S-Sex:What you did with that person you met last night
while you were drunk

T-Ten:The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk

U-Underage:Most of the drinking population in college
town

V-Vodka:The mother of all alcohols and the best way to
get drunk in an hour

W-Worm:The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology
class tomorrow

X-X-Ray:How they can see into your stomach before they
pump it

Y-Yourself:The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every
week-end

Z-Zoned:How you will be for the next 12 hours
following drinking

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The one, the only.....can i have a drum roll please-Kari!
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Page Updated Fri Mar 24, 2000 7:23pm EST