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Funny Jokes
Parent Disses
Yo mama dissesThe Best New Jokes EveryDay
Jokes Of The Day|
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| Wizard Of Oz There were three presidents that woke up and found them selves in the Land Of Oz... The all decided to go and ask the Oz if the could each have a wish. The first was Ronald Reagan. He asked the Oz for his memory. The big wonderful Oz said your wish is granted. Then George Bush comes up and says I need some bravery. The wonderful Oz said of course I grant you your wish. Then it came to Bill Clinton. He looks around and looks again. Then he asks with a confusing look "Wheres Dorthy?" The Great Flood One day this blonde was at home and her neighbor came to the door yelling, "The flood is coming! Save yourself!" The blonde replied, "No, God will save me." The water was up to her knees and this boat came by. The person in the boat yelled, "Get in the boat you're going to drown!" The blonde again replied that no, God will save her. She was on the second story of her house and the water was up to her knees. Another boat came by, and inside it were people yelling for her to get in the boat, or she was surely going to drown. The blonde said, "No! God will save me!" She was on her roof and the water was around her ankles. A helicopter came along and yelled, "get in the helicopter! You will drown!" But once again, she replied that god will surely save her. She drowned. She got up to the Pearl Gates and she was speaking with God. She asked, "God, what happened? You were supposed to save me!" God replied, "I tried! I sent you a messanger, two boats, and a helicopter! What else did you want?" Sisters of Mercy A man had been driving for many days and was exhausted and lonely. As he was driving down the highway, he noticed a sign that said, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 10 miles". He figured it was just a figment of his imagination, he ignored it. 5 miles later, he saw another sign that said, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles". He now knew it was real. So he continued driving and looking for another sign. 5 miles later, he saw a sign that said, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, next left". So at the next left turn, he turned left. He saw a big building with a sign above the door that said, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution". He parked his car and went inside. He saw a nun that said, "Go down the hall, and go inside the big wooden door. So he did as the nun said. Inside the door there was another nun, that said, "Put $150 dollars in this cup, go down this hallway and go through the double wooden doors. The man did as this nun said. When he went out the two wooden doors, he realized that he was back in the parking lot, facing a sign that said "YOU HAVE NOW BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY!!" Fake People Q: One day Santa Claus, a blonde with an I.Q. of 153, and the easter bunny were walking down the street. A $100 bill dropped down in front of them, and they all raced to get it. Who got the $100 bill? A: None of them, they are all make-believe! Bumperstickers > > >* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. > > >* All generalizations are false. > > >* Cover me. I'm changing lanes. > > >* I brake for no apparent reason. > > >* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. > > >* I'm not as think as you drunk I am. > > >* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. > > >* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? > > >* He who laughs last thinks slowest. > > >* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. > > >* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. > > >* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. > > >* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. > > >* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. > > >* I love cats...they taste just like chicken. > > >* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. > > >* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. > > >* Born free...Taxed to death. > > >* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. > > >* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. > > >* Rehab is for quitters. > > >* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. > > >* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. > > >* All men are idiots, and I married their King. > > >* Horn broken. Watch for finger. > > >* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. > > >* Work is for people who don't know how to fish. > > >* Montana -- At least our cows are sane! > > >* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. > > >* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. > > >* If you don't like the news, go out and make some. > > >* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS > > >* Sorry, I don't date outside my species. > > >* No radio - Already stolen. > > >* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. > > >* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. > > >* I took an IQ test and the results were negative. > > >* Where there's a will, I want to be in it. > > >* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? > > >* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. > > >* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. > > >* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. > > >* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. > > >* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. > > >* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. > > >* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. > > >* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. > > >* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. > > >* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. > > >* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. > > >* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? > > >* How can I miss you if you won't go away? > > >* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. > > >* Give me ambiguity or give me something else. > > >* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. > > >* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. > > >* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. > > >* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. > > >* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. > > >* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy > > >* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. > > >* i souport publik edekashun. > > >* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. > > >* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... > > >* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't > > >* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? > > >* Ever stop to think and forget to start again? > > >The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned Panda A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the special of the day. He eats the food, gets up and shoots the waitress dead. The Hostess runs over to the Panda and says, "What did you do that for?" The Panda then says,"Look up 'Panda" in the dictionary, Miss and you will see..." And with that, the Panda walked out of the restaurant. The hostess then rushes to a dictionary, looks up 'Panda' and reads..."Panda, n., mammal, eats shoots and leaves." |
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