Hey Everyone!
This will be a page full of jokes. Just browse around and have some fun! Oh yeah, before you leave be sure to sighn the guest book!
>!Daniel!<
>
TOP 10 SIGHNS YOUR CAT IS PLANNING TO KILL YOU:
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually _does_ have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline Fortune" magazines behind your couch.
5. Cyanide paw prints all over the house.
6. You wake up with a bird's head in your bed.
7. As the wind blows over the Grassy Knoll in downtown Dallas you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Takes attentive notes whenever "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
10. Ball of yarn playfully tied in a hangman's nose.
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggrivation and buy the top-of-the-line model? This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4:00 AM in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he still only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, amazed by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says "Hmmm it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw , to which the man responds...
"What's that noise!?!"
A large, well established, Canadian Lumberjack camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay" said the lumberjack, "See that giant redwood over there?" "Take your axe and cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't belive his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that!?!"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the punny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?!"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what my father will say when he gets home."
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.
Realizing his only chance for survival was civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he became faint.
Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out, when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely concious, he reached the tent and called out,
"WATER..."
A bedouin appeared and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.
However, would you like to buy a tie?"
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silkin neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water,
there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed ina costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and anquired, "May I help ou sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry but you can't come in here without a tie!"
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