The 2003 Essential Awards - Hosted by JT Emperado - Personal - http://phatbowling.com/chinaman/The_2003_Essential

"THE REALLY LAME CATEGORIES"

SONG OF THE YEAR
Straylight Run - Existentialism on Prom Night
See The Top Songs of 2003 for more details.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Further Seems Forever - How to Start A Fire
Though the band just recently broke up for the 2nd and probably final time, Further Seems Forever's 2nd album in the post Christopher Ender Carrabba era proved to be the end to all ends of the band's creative talent, proving once again, it's not the singer than makes the band, but the final product.
Honorable Mention: The Used - The Used

MOVIE OF THE YEAR
Bend it Like Beckham
Expect Beckham's name to pop up a ton in this year's awards page. Yeah, it was low budget, girlie, British, and sometimes just downright corny, but I will never vote against a movie where you can watch a high school girl's soccer team practice in sport bras for the entire movie.
Best Quote: "Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes!"

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Metrosexuality lives! Bringing gayness to pop culture was never cool before this. Now you're not cool unless you look like you're gay. It's a bitter irony.
Honorable Mention: The Next Joe Millionaire, The Joe Schmoe Show

BOOK OF THE YEAR
Beckham: Both Feet on the Ground
I told you Beckham's name would pop up a lot.

VIDEO GAME OF THE YEAR
Final Fantasy X
Yeah. It didn't come out this year, but I blew off parties, social gatherings, and homework to put over 50 hours and counting on this game. Nevermind that it's my favorite game of all time too now.
Honorable Mention: ESPN NFL Football

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR
Chicago Cubs
I invested every emotion into the book with this team. I can't say that about my beloved Eskimos even.....
Honorable Mention: The Eskimos

SPORTS TELECAST OF THE YEAR
The Orange Bowl - #2 Ohio State vs #1 Miami (Fla)
Arguably the greatest national championship game of all time, there are few moments in my life where a sporting even really captivated my mind and my friends' minds all at the same time. Sitting there at Buds on that fateful January 4, 2003 is something I will never forget, even though the team I was rooting for got SCREWED.....
Honorable Mention: Cubs Clinch Division, Cubs Win First Playoff Series, NLCS Game 6

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR
David Beckham
While already a world icon before 2003, it wasn't until he appeared on VH1 sporting million dollar clothing with Posh Spice that he made an impact on America... Wait, so you don't know who this guy is? Well, he's a world class soccer player, good looking man, and metrosexual icon. This leads me to my next category...

TREND OF THE YEAR
Metrosexuality
Ah yes. The art of a man learning how to dress himself and groom himself properly. It's not really a trend anymore, but a way of life in this day of Express for Men and shampoo for men. No longer are women craving macho manly men, but rather a man who can keep good skin, and extravagant hair fashions. As a student of metrosexuality myself, I love this award.
Honorable Mention: Breakup Season

"THE REALLY INTERESTING CATEGORIES"

PARTY OF THE YEAR
Taylor 1 South
It would take an entire page to explain this, so I'll just tell you to check out my Hall of Essentials page for all the glorious details.
Honorable Mention: State Chess, Michigan, 4th of July at My House

BONDING MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Ludington, Michigan Trip
4 days and 3 nights with 3 of the 5 "Boys of Summer" crew, Justin Young, Bob Roubik, and Andrew Jacobs. I don't think there were much better and enjoyable days than those that took place in Michigan. We were brothers for those 4 days, and I cannot wait for us to be brothers again at this year's Michigan trip.
Honorbale Mention: State Chess Trip with Muj

PERSONAL TRAGEDY OF THE YEAR
I am Out of Eastern Illinois University
I refuse to explain myself for this, but if you insist... I had it coming for about a month before it happened. I refuse to be an English teacher unless it's on MY terms. I won't kiss those professors asses and I won't bend over for them. English sucks for your average high school kid, and I thought I could contribute something different to those kids. But apparently, the world is not ready for my ideas quite yet... cept here on The Essential.
Honorable Mention: Brittney and I Break Up

PERSONAL REVELATION OF THE YEAR
I am a Future Cosmotology Student
On the flipside, not being in front of books for the rest of my life opens up my affinity for metrosexuality, style, a fast paced life, and tooling around. I can live the free lifestyle that most people could only dream of, and not to mention I'm a rare breed of cosmotoloty student: I'm a man, AND I'm straight. What more could one ask for being young and free?

PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY OF THE YEAR
Let Shit Slide
If only most people took the punches and ran with them, people wouldn't be such dumbass tools nowadays. Understanding is the key to enjoying your life, folks. The more shit you can tolerate, the more often you can just pack your shit and move on from whatever the hell is bugging you. Why dwell on stuff? Why let it eat at you like a flesh eating disease? Life is too short, and we're too young to be unhappy. So the next time you have to put up with some bullshit, let it slide and move on. You've got better things to worry about than something that stupid. My life is so much more better knowing that I can tolerate next to anything. I don't waste my time, and I find I have more fun. Ok. No more preaching from me.

DICKCHEESE OF THE YEAR
Anyone Who Didn't Mind their Own Business
This one goes out to all those people who stuck their noses in where they didn't belong. Lots of shit went down in 2003 cuz you couldn't help yourself from barging in on problems that are not your own. That's some pretty shady shit. Mind your own, and the world will spin much more efficiently and accurately for you.
Honorable Mention: Liz Zellerman's Boyfriend, Anyone Who Parks in the Visitor's Spot at Bob's Place Not Named JT

OVERRATED TOPIC OF THE YEAR
Smoking
Cigerette smokers took an unbelievable amount of shit in 2003. As if they didn't know what they were doing to themselves or anything. OF COURSE THEY KNOW. They're not THAT stupid. What a really fucking stupid thing to complain about. It's a habit, and a social object. It ain't goin' away, so MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.
Honorable Mention: Marian Catholic, Stagg Prom Troubles

UNDERRATED TOPIC OF THE YEAR
State Chess in Peoria
This topic remained underrated strictly by my desire. There's still a lot on the line from this topic, and I can't go into detail on this site about it, but if people's asses weren't on the line, you'd be hearing about a pretty damn fucking good time. Ask me personally about what went on here.
Honorable Mention: Marian Catholic, Hanging Out with my Eskimos

FOB OF THE YEAR (FOB = FRESH OFF THE BOAT)
Alain DeLoria
There is no better accurate representation or impression of a FOB than from Alain himself. You owe it to yourself to know what a Filipino FOB sounds like.
Honorable Mention: Ben DeLoria, Mark Panganiban, Brian Sabado, June Sotto, Chris Cabrera, Uncle Dick

CLOSET RACIST OF THE YEAR
Mujahid Ghori
God. I don't even want to explain this one really. Just try and hang out with Muj for a day, and you'll get it.

BAD HABIT OF THE YEAR
Smoking
Seriously, even those who don't smoke tend to think that smoking is really cool, and that's quite a shock. It's almost as if you're wearing another accessory or something by having a cigerette. I've never seen so many high school kids and jr high kids light up in my entire life than in 2003.
Honorable Mention: Driving Under the Influence, Using Politcally Incorrect Terms

VOCABULARY WORDS OF THE YEAR
(tie) "Scumbag" and "Together"
"Scumbag" - Quite an offensive term especialy if you don't know the person whom you're calling that. Sad as it is to say, a couple people called a 4.0 GPA, 32 ACT, Clean Cut, High IQ kid a "scumbag"... cuz he fucking smokes cigerettes. Get a fucking life, people.
"Together" - Probably not a more confusing word out there right now. It'll probably be the word of the year again this year at this pace. When 2 people are together, in my opinion, that means that you usually associate one with the other, and not each one individually. Then again, everyone has their own definition of this word, and thus the massive unrealistic amounts of confusion with what this word means.
Honorable Mention: Dickcheese, Fuckstick, Douche, Tool, Douchetool, Shiz, Milkshake

R.I.P. AWARD
G Zone
Ah yes. The place that born many a friendships over the last 2 years. Justin Young, Bob Roubik, Paul Granholm, Andrew Jacobs, Jim Payonk, Kevin Jarr, Mark McCarthy, Ken Beaver, Mujahid Ghori, Jeff Racic, Arun Soni, and the DeLoria Brothers have all made trips up there with me, and I know for a fact that I wouldn't be as close to any of them if that old cyber cafe in Deerfield, Illinois didn't exist. Rest In Peace to G Zone 2. It was a great and glorious run of Counter Striking, bonding, and just plain tooling around. Who could ever forget JohnnyBoy, Dennis, Woodson, or Jeebus, even if you wanted to?
Honorable Mention: .[axe], Blacura

"THE MOST INTERESTING CATEGORIES"

"OH MY GOD! THE COPS ARE COMING!" MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Mark McCarthy's Post Sandburg Homecoming Party
So we're all sitting there like a bunch of fucking idiots drinking in Mark's garage WITH IT OPEN intelligently enough. Elliot, Brittni, and Heather take off, honk their horn, drive off, and coincidently enough, 5 squad cars pull up 5 minutes later. Everyone takes off running cept for Mark and I. Those that ran were, Bob, Andrew, Kevin, Ken, and Craig. I didn't drink, and my car was there so I didn't run, whie Mark was passed out upstairs. Anyway, long story short, the only people who got in real trouble were those who had their cars out front since they were called pussies for running by the cops. Mark got off, and so did everyone else pretty much anyway, but it was definitely an interesting, rainy night to get chased out by cops.

PICK UP LINE OF THE YEAR
Ken Beaver's Palm Reading
Stolen from the movie "Tigerland", Ken tried his luck on Heather Wolf by reading her palm. It went something like this:
(Ken takes Heather's hand)
KEN: I can read your future.
HEATHER: Oh yeah?
KEN: Yeah... See this line here? This line means you're gonna be rich.
HEATHER: Really?
KEN: Yeah... But I've got one better. See how this line here is pointing directly towards me?
HEATHER: Yeah.
(JT shakes head and puts head in hands while giggling. Bob gets up and walks away disgustedly thinking that Ken is a tool, and damn well knowing what Ken is gonna say next.)
KEN: Well this line here means that you're gonna have sex real soon, and since the line is pointing towards me, you're gonna have sex with ME real soon.....
Heather: OH REALLY?....

MOST ELABORATE (AND PATHETIC) PLAN OF THE YEAR
Manipulating Marian Catholic Katie Into Doing Something With Muj and I
After our marvelous weekend with the MC girls, I devised a great plan to hang out with them again in a more quiet setting. One of my bus stops from Eastern just so happened to be in the area of the MC girls, so I bussed all the way home from Eastern, had Muj pick me up, and called Katie up to see if she wanted to grab dinner with us. The plan failed cuz she got a 'D' in physics and couldn't come out, leaving me stuck at home with nothing to do and busted plans. Oddly enough. We never heard from the MC girls again after that. How sad.

WASTE OF POTENTIAL/BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR
Marian Catholic Girls
There will never be a collection of girls that hot, that much fun, and liking us guys in that manner, ever again. And I mean EVER. Call them overrated, call them stuck up, call it sad if you want. But if it wasn't for this topic, The Essential would not be what it is today, and you'd be reading some boring ass webpage right now (as if you didn't think this page was boring already). Marian Catholic Girls made The Essential, and I would like to thank them for that, and I only wish they could have stuck around a bit longer.
Honorable Mention: Lincoln-Way Girls

WORST ATHLETIC ATTEMPT OF THE YEAR
The Eskimos
God, we were a shitty basketball team. We had a slow, lazy big man. We had a quick, speedy kid who couldn't find net for the life of him. We turned the ball over like a bunch of scared children. Hell, we basically took whole games off it seemed. Our best basketball player should not be a 5 foot 5 inch, 200 pound kid. Oh yeah, and we lost a 40 minute basketball game by 65 points... and the ref called the game 5 minutes early. PATHETIC!
Honorable Mention: Ken Beaver Playing Basketball Against Bob, Certain People Playing Football and Softball

BIGGEST "PISSER OFFER" OF THE YEAR
Andrew Jacobs
Sorry to pick on you kid, but you had your moments in 2003. Taking what's not yours, making too many phone calls in a 1 minute period, complaining about the lack of girls, making useless comments, talking too much, not talking enough, doing unpredictable things, and making questionable decisions is about all I can think of. I'm sure other people can think of more, but nonetheless, the guys and I will always love you... no matter what kind of stupid shit you do next.
Honorable Mention: Anyone Who Didn't Mind Their Own Business About Things That They Shouldn't Worry About

GROSSEST MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Liz Marbach Pukes at State
Yeah. And guess who had to hold her damn head and hair the whole time (with some help from Muj). Anyway, that chick needs to stay away from the Vodka, and not eat strawberries or any other really colorful food before drinking. After an hour on the toilet, she finally was ready for bed... only to puke 2 more times, then finally passing out... only to wake up in the morning to find that she had puked on herself. Wonderfuckingful.
Honorable Mention: Toilet AND Shower Clogged in Mark's Room at State

THE "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING" MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Ken Beaver Hits On 14-Year-Old Girl in Glen Ellyn
Dude. SHE HADN'T EVEN REGISTERED FOR HIGH SCHOOL YET. So he starts hitting on this chick in front of the White Hen in Glen Ellyn. He talks to her for a while. He's done. We drive off. We get about a half mile from the White Hen when Ken asks me to turn around so he can get her number. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! So I do that. I rag on him about her age. She's fucking 14. "NO. She's 14 GOING ON 15..." Yeah Ken, that makes it a lot better. So we get back to her, he picks her up off the ground and away from her group of jr high buddies, flirts, gives her smokes, trades numbers, she tells him to wait for 5 minutes, HE ACTUALLY WAITS, he can't wait any longer, we drive off. Unfuckingbelievable.
Honorable Mention: Most Andrew Jacobs Decisions, A Couple of Ken's Lesser Decisions

FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Jason Knade and His Plunger
I cannot possibly put into words the hilariousness of the image of Jason Knade coming into our room while Liz is puking, and he's covered in sweat and water and puke, with a plunger in his hand and saying "Need a plunge?"
Honorable Mention: Justin Young Desperacy, Ken Beaver Hitting on 14-Year-Old Girl in Glen Ellyn

VIDEO OF THE YEAR
The Michigan Tape
Wanna see Justin Young in a desperate position? Wanna see Justin Young, Andrew Jacobs, and myself in only boxers? Wanna see Nicole Gaul and Kristine Roubik? Wanna see Bob Roubik spread eagle in his boxers trying to sleep? You owe it to yourself to watch this tape.
Honorable Mention: The Paris Hilton Sex Tapes

DESPERATE ACT OF THE YEAR
Justin Young Demands Nicole Gaul's Presence
So Justin Young got to massage Nicole Gaul. You'd think that was spoiling him enough, but no... the fucker wants more. Nicole goes to bed in our room and Bob guards her while Justin bitches and moans about how he just wants to lay with her. Whatever kid. Oh and by the way, it's on tape. You showed a desperate side.....
Honorable Mention: Anything Involving Muj and I Plotting Something

THE ABSOLUTE MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Justin Young Demands Nicole Gaul's Presence
Wow Justin. Not 1, but 2 awards for the same event. You're good. Not only was Justin's little tirade the most desperate moment of the year, but the moment of the year, period. Taking into account the calmness and smoothness of the kid, the amounts of laughs, Bob's hilarious commentary, Andrew's useless comments, my video taping the whole damn thing, and the fact we're all buzzed and drunk means that this will be the one moment in 2003 that stands out most on The Essential.
Honorable Mention: Marian Catholic, Jason Knade and his Plunger, Ken Hits on 14-Year-Old Girl in Glen Ellyn

THE ESSENTIAL TOPIC OF THE YEAR
Marian Catholic
It comes as no shock to those loyal to this site. Marian Catholic was the most hyped (and overhyped) thing that ever happened to this at-the-time pathetic site. I can't tell you again and again how much life was put into this topic by Muj and I, and their presence on this site has born new life, new readers, and a whole new way of thinking on this site. Thanks girls. We didn't even know you and you impacted something pretty important (ok, not really).
Honorable Mention: Boys of Summer, Michigan, State Chess

"THE INDIVIDUAL AWARDS"

BREAKOUT MAN OF THE YEAR
Bob Roubik
The kid barely said a fucking word before 2003 and now all of a sudden, he's got his own site, and a plethora of thoughts and things to say and mention. Good job, Bob Roubik. Glad we could help you break out in 2003.

MOST LIKELY TO MAKE IT BIG IN 2004
Mujahid Ghori
More freedom, more things to do, more friends, more places to go, and you're dorming on your own in the fall... don't get into too much trouble in 2004. It's gonna be a fun year.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Ken Beaver
Barely a blip on The Essential Radar in 2002, when Ken made his debut at G Zone, then at state, then permanently in the summer, it left me asking "Why didn't I hang out with this kid sooner?"

BLONDE CHICK OF THE YEAR
Marian Catholic Katie

BRUNETTE CHICK OF THE YEAR
Marian Catholic Nicole

REDHEAD CHICK OF THE YEAR
Brittney Everett

SEXIEST CHICK OF THE YEAR
Marian Catholic Katie

SEXIEST GUY OF THE YEAR
Andrew Jacobs

CHICK WITH THE BEST PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR
Brittney Everett

GUY WITH THE BEST PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR
Arun Soni

(The girls that made my 2003 what it was.)
THE ALL-ESSENTIAL GIRLS (in no particular order)
Brittney Everett
Lauren Schuber
Erika Dely
The Marian Catholic Girls
(Kate, Nicole, Carrie, Emily)
The Lincoln-Way Girls
(Darcy, Liz, Lauren, Nikki)
The Taylor 1 South Girls
(Monica, Kristin, Ashley, Michelle, Kendra, Stephanie, Danielle)
The Sandburg Girls
(Liz, Heather, Veronica, Brittini)

(The people that played an important part in my life in 2003.)
THE SECOND TEAM ALL-ESSENTIAL (in no particular order)
Alain DeLoria
Jason Knade (just for the plunger)
Kevin Jarr
Mark McCarthy
Mike Radke
Pat Nelson

(The absolute very best friends in 2003.)
THE FIRST TEAM ALL-ESSENTIAL (in no particular order)
Brittney Everett
Andrew Jacobs
Bob Roubik
Ken Beaver
Justin Young
Mujahid Ghori

THE ESSENTIAL GIRL OF THE YEAR
Brittney Everett
Oh let me count the ways. Let's see. First girlfriend. Best friend. God's honest nicest person that ever walked the Earth. You owe it to yourself to have only the best in the world, and I am so honored that I could be such an important part in your life. Love ya always. Don't change too much on me in college, kiddo. MLEH! :)

THE ESSENTIAL GUYS OF THE YEAR
Mujahid Ghori, Bob Roubik, and Justin Young
Muj and I plot endlessly. Everyone sat in Bob's basement at one point or another. Justin and I contemplate and agree on EVERYTHING under the sun. They all have their perfect little place in my life, and I'll be dead by the time I'll have no more use for them in my lifetime. Let's make 2004 better for us all, guys.

Alright kiddies, come back in 2005 for the best in 2004, ya hear me? - JT EMPERADO

ItsOnlyJT@aol.com

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Page Updated Thu Jan 17, 2008 12:43am EST