The Hall of Essentials - "Only the most essential of essentials....." - Personal - http://phatbowling.com/chinaman/Hall_of

Editor's Note: Hey what's up kiddies... Welcome to "The Hall of Essentials" where only the finest and most popular blurbs of all time are placed so that future generations of "The Essential" viewers and future versions of yourself may enjoy them again and again in their original and unedited state. So sit back, grab a snack, read about the best and worst of times, and have a laugh while you're doing it.

February 1, 2004

SUNDAY 1:30AM
Little Pat Krause Steals the Show
Since I just wanna get straight to the little gathering that Jake Bonick had, I'll just skim over the events that lead up to it all.
Bob picked me up so I could help him move his mom's tv, but we didn't have to move it anyway, so we just ate there and shot the shit. Went to Orland Mall and tooled around for a while. Later on, I met up with Ken at the pool hall. Bob made a brief appearance, and Andrew showed up later. Ken's caddying friend showed up too with a group of her friends, but we didn't stay long after she came anyway. Went to Ashbury's with Ken and Andrew and talked about girls. Paul and Bob met up with us after they came back from the track. Andrew decided to call it a night, so he took Ken and I back to our cars. Ken then called Jake and asked if him and I could come over. It was a go, but not before Ken stopped off at Walgreens to grab caffine pills. Ok. Now the more interesting stuff.
There were a plethora of people at Jake's place. Mark, Mike, Jake, Matt, Collin, other guys and a bunch of girls. (Pardon me if I miss any names) Gina, Laura, Jane, Emily, and lots of other girls that I wasn't sure of their names. Ken popped 2 caffine pills upon arrival there and he was hyped up like a little weasel. His clever and witty comments came out at light speed and he had an extra bounce to his step. Oh yeah, and he twitched a lot. Mark was in an interesting mood since he had a beer in his hand. The girls were just shooting shit. At the table, there was big drinking game going on and Pat Krause, who is like 5 foot nothing, 115 pounds, and a sophomore is taking beers like a champ. After I massaged Mark, things started to clear out in the house and eventually, it was just just a couple of us there including Collin, Ken, Pat, and another kid whom I forgot his fucking name already. Oh yeah, and Jenny and Kate were talking on their phones in their room. Pat is bouncing all over the fucking place which is hysterical enough since he's a little shrimp. He's doing cartwheels, and falling face first into shit with no regard for himself whatsover. This 15 year old, 5 foot nothing, 115 pound, sophomore is absolutely, positively, GONE. G.O.N.E. So what do we do for more entertainment from him? Next thing we know, a porno is popped in. He was doing the greatest play-by-play I have ever heard, porno or not. He's thrusting his hips, and using the words "fuck", "pussy", and "tits" like no one's business. He's describing the action is absolute detail right down to the size of the pussy lips. Great stuff. On top of THAT, we egg Pat on to call Jenny and Katie to come over and watch what we're watching. They see it and go away in disgust. The kid is like "GET OUT HERE BITCH! YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT! I want MY DICK, INSIDE of YOU." Oh God. It gets better. But I'm gonna close this out anyway cuz you really had to be there to really laugh at this shit, but we at the part of the porn where the guy does the chick from behind, and he grabs her tits and shit. So Pat's like "Yeah, you HOLD onto those footballs. Those are nice footballs." Then they do a closeup of the doggy-style position and he goes "Now THAT'S a FORMATION!" Unbelievable crap coming from a 15 year old shrimp. Ok I'll stop now cuz it'll only be funny to Ken, and anyone in that house that reads this site. One last thing. Little Pat Krause acting like that was among the 5 funniest things I've ever seen or experienced in my entire life. I only wish I had a video camera with me so you'd all agree. It was amazing, but I can't do the description justice. Sorry for the boring update. :(

December 6, 2003

Saturday - The Taylor 1 South Floor Party
It started innocently enough. Looked like it would be just like it was on friday: Ross, Keith, Michelle, Kendra, Chris, Rupp and I sitting in my room boozing and eating pizza. But there were also about 15 people next door in Justin's room. Oh yeah, and some in Darrell's and Tommy's room. AND there were a handful more in Doug's and Kev's room. Combining all that liqour with all those guys and girls within those 3 rooms could only possibly come natural, and Jon wasn't coming back from wherever he was until 4AM.
Everyone was still awake and talking well past 6AM.
As far as I know, the girls consisted of Michelle, Kendra, Stephanie, Danielle, Kristin, Ashley, Rachel, and about 7 more that I didn't know. The guys were Ross, Keith, Justin, Justin, Patrick, Kev, Doug, Darrell, Tommy, Tommy's guests, and a bunch more guys from on the floor who we never really talked to until that night.
There had to be as many as 20 people crammed into Justin's room at one time. They were so fucking loud drinking, yelling, playing drinking games, orgying, and doing just about as much as you can with 20 people in 1 tiny dorm room. Everyone and their mother was drinking it seemed. Hell, even Justin drank and he got written up twice back on my birthday (see "Essential Flashback" below). Everyone ended up in all the rooms at one point in the night in every combination possible for a million different reasons. Flirting, saying a drunken hi, playing Madden, playing drinking games, telling everyone that someone was having sex in the bathroom.....
?!?!?!?!
Yeah, someone from the floor was fucking in our bathroom. The roomate was there to confirm it was him and that drew a nice drunken crowd of us to the bathroom to listin in on the moaning ang grunting.
Here's how it went (according to someone who will remain anonymous):
Patrick was walking down the hall with Kristin, Ashley, and Rachel to the bathroom. Ross followed them in, then Keith followed Ross cuz they figured Patrick wouldn't be enough to escort those 3 hotties. Michelle eventually followed Keith. And let's just say that 2 of those 7 people did not leave the bathroom for about a half hour ::evil laugh:: Can you guess which 2?
So someone walked into the bathroom and heard the grunting and moaning then came to Justin's room and 90% of the room cleared out to go have a listen. I was too hazy to move, so I just trusted someone else to tell me what was going on.
Speaking of me being hazy, I had quite a few Icehouses. So I was very toasty that night and again the next day. I was quite proud of my haziness, although occasionally the floor noise made me nautious but whatever. Good times.
We had so much liquor amongst all of us. Vodka, Bacardi Hurricane, Bud Light, Icehouse, Screwdrivers, Captain Morgan, and probably a shitload of everything else not named here. Luckily only 1 of the entire crew got really sick that night, but that person will remain safe (it wasn't me).
So how the hell did we get away with this? Well, we shouldn't have. Our RA wasn't around, but other RAs make their rounds at 12 and 2 through the floors. Justin actually got a knock on the door at about 12, but it was just to say be quiet, then Ross slammed the door in their faces. They had to have known we were all fucked up with how loud we were. After all, allegedly, there are stories about what went on saturday night on Taylor 1 South. And even when Jon did come back at 4, only Ross and Rupp got written up cuz someone stupidly left a vodka bottle out in the open in the room, and Jon just kept telling people to shut up. He knew. But he chose to be cool. Thanks Jon.
There was some interaction between the guys and the girls obviously. Chris looked like a sorry desperate man trying to get some from Kendra, but she's a good girl, and held off. Although they did kiss or make out in the hallway for a bit. Go Chris. Too bad she turned you down on your offer to sleep with you. LOL. Then Ashley looked like she wanted to pounce on Tommy (but I don't know for sure), but he had guests in his room. Oh well. Then there was some thing where Stephanie, Danielle, and Kev kept on talking to each other privately. I've probably already said too much there (sorry Kev and Doug), so I won't make it my business to tell about it (which I don't know anything about it anyway). And pretty much all the girls were looking really really hot that night. Too bad I have no balls to really make a hardcore flirt with any of them. Maybe it was all those Icehouses.
There were some other notable things going on. Darrell kept on hanging this sticky, creamy white stuff from the snot of his nose. Chris asked Justin was his major was, and Justin replied by telling him his name. Ashley and I had a bonding moment over a smoke. We shot the shit about the ex-significant others, so that was super cool. Doug threw myself, Ross, Keith, Chris, and Kendra out of his room cuz Stephanie and Danielle were having fightin' words with Ross. Chris spilled beer on Pat's blanket while playing a game of golf. Patrick tripped over my suitcase. Lots of people annihalated my 20 inch pizza. Ross got Ashley and Kristin to sit on his lap. He also decided to put his hand on Ashley's ass, but she was too gone to notice. I think he left it there the whole time she was on his lap. Chris's desperacy for Kendra reached unrealistic heights as he kept telling me how much he wanted some play. Apparently Chris was lamenting about it out loud, and Kev overheard, so Kev asked Ross what the deal was with Kendra, and Ross stuck his nose in and asked Kendra straight up what she thought about Chris. I stayed the hell away from that one the whole night. Ross and Keith kept pushing Kendra and Chris tried to play it off, but he took his opportunities with her as displayed by their behavior in the hallway.
Hmm, so I guess the night ends where Kendra passes out in my roommate's bed, and everyone goes and stays in a room for the rest of the night. Some people went home, but lots didn't cuz you could hear the conversation throughout the 3 rooms until 7 in the morning. Anyway, when my roommate came back at like 7, he saw Kendra passed out on his bed, and he had this hilarious look on his face as he looked from her to me like 5 times in under 2 seconds. And I threw my hands up and back and said "I SWEAR! I DIDN'T TOUCH HER!". Pat's look was priceless. Anyone who thinks that I ever get laid is just having a private laugh with themselves. So I had a smoke with Pat and repeated the events of the night and what he missed, and he missed a lot. To those who were a part of it all, I thank you for making that an awesome night for me, and I apologize if I have any content on here that you don't want public. Just let me know, and I'll take it down.
And to those who weren't there on Taylor 1 South on saturday December 6, 2003, you had to see it to believe it.

December 18, 2003

THURSDAY 3:20PM

Farewell to the Semester and Farewell to Monica.
Well, it's thursday. Finals are done for me and only a select few Taylor 1 South Boys are left, and with everyone gone and only about a day left in the semester, it's time we look back at what was easily my most favorite college semester.
Back in late August, "The Boys of Summer" era was approaching an end with everyone in our little group going their own separate ways and it felt about right that I get back to Eastern and experience true dorm life for the first time. New roommate, new atmosphere, and a new level of class difficulty was what awaited me upon my arrival. Having Bob and Muj around that first day to just sit and chill with me really helped me out, and when they left I knew I was ready for whatever there was out there.
I wasn't so sure about my roommate Pat Nelson at first. Earlier in the month, the guys and I drove through his neighborhood and we weren't even sure if the kid was gonna be ghetto or not. Luckily he wasn't (no offense to my ghetto audience out there). So that turned out very nicely as he kick started my semester nicely by introducing me to Jesse Wygonic.
And with the introduction to Jesse came the first string of parties in the month of september. Through his good looks and confidence, he won over the entire Andrew's 4th floor and partying with them was a regular occurance early on. We found a home away from home at the 4th and Polk party, something which Bob got to experience with his visit in mid september. It was a solid month to really boost my beer tolerance as it would really help out later on.
Meanwhile, the Taylor 1 South Boys were just starting to feel each other out. We would pass by each other through the halls occasionally, but we weren't really very tight-knit at this point in time. Then at a mandatory meeting, a little tiny move indirectly kick started the whole shebang on the floor.
We had an open lounge which was being wasted with nothing in it. Good old Doug Kouri stepped up at a floor meeting and asked our RA, Jon, if we could have wednesday night card night. Naturally it was approved, but it took about a month after that little move by Doug before we actually started playing cards.
So the partying with Jesse, Pat, and the Andrews Girls continued. Along the way an old friend from Stagg joined the fold as well. Chris Cachor made his debut at one of the many 4th and Polk parties in september and he was quite a hit with the Andrews girls. This might have been a very good thing, cept he was going out with someone at the time which turned off a couple girls upon knowing it.
The academic aspect of school wasn't really an issue up to this point. I'd do my 36 hours of English homework, the professors would respect me, whatever it was all gravy. But my financial situation wasn't the best of them. My dad was pretty pissed about the student loan and took the grudge so far as to throw me out of the house and cut me off come the end of the semester. Well it's the end of the semester now and things are finally taken care of along that front. But the grades are another story for another time. Back to what you really want to read about.
I wasn't particularly happy about my birthday. Few remembered. Few paid attention, and the few that did were mostly from the floor. So I drank with my floormates and really bonded with them for the first time. I remember it was both Justins, Tommy, Pat, and myself and we had a ball being loud and obnoxious to the point where it got us written up (Justin R twice). Anyway, it was step one to our floor becoming really tight knit with each other.
Step 2 occured the very next week. The idea of cards finally materialized and we must have played like 12 tournaments in those 2 weeks of time. We'd play from the early evening late into the night, skipping homework, being irrisponsible and loud, and thereby leading us to play numerous games of Madden in each others rooms (some for money). Our floor was really together at this point, and we can credit Doug and his cards in the lounge idea for it all.
And with this, we did most everything together as a floor. We partied on homecoming, then played cards, and ate together. There wasn't really any stopping it. Words like "FUCK!" and "SITONMAHFACE!" among others were common place on the floor and you coudln't go an hour on the floor without hearing one of them. From homecoming, came halloween where there wasn't much going on, but we stayed in and played even more cards. And for just staying in the dorms and not drinking, it was a pretty good time.
Every other event is just an afterthought when looking back on it. Keith and Ross from next door joined the floor clique. We had a massive floor party which you can still read about below. There were girls stopping by the floor on a regular basis to watch a Cubs game, flirt with their favorite boy, or maybe have some quality sex possibly. There was a wet t-shirt contest that Pat took me to, a date auction where I purchased Monica for $20, and a party where the EIU Girls basketball team did keg stands topless.
So that's the Quick Note of it all. I could go into grand detail, but I want you to have another opportunity to read about the floor party below before it comes down since that is the essnece of what Taylor 1 South is all about. With new kids and the loss of one of our own girls, things shall never be the same as they were at that party ever again.

END OF THE SEMESTER LISTS

JT's Essential 5 Topics of the Semester:
5)Video Game Insanity.
4)3rd Street Wet T-Shirt Contest.
3)Happy 20th Birthday to Me.
2)Student Loan and Academic Problems.
1)Taylor 1 South Floor Party.

JT's Essential 5 Human Beings of the Semester:
5)Most Eastern Girls - "Are the fucking rake."
4)Thomas Emperado (My Dad) - Ummm, whatever.
3)The Girls of Taylor 1 South (Monica, Kristin, Ashley, Stephanie, Danielle, Michelle, Kendra, and all those other girls that Patricks pimps out that I don't know) - From date auctions, to Cubs games, to having a smoke, it's good to have some cool chicks on the floor.
2)JT's Professors (Dr. Hanlon, Dr. Loudon, and Dr. McGelliot) - Yeah, I can do better.
1)The Boys of Taylor 1 South (Pat Nelson, Keith Roberts, Ross Lindberg, Kevin Harte, Doug Kouri, Justin Regnier, Patrick Sweeney, Darrel Flynn, Justin Barrow, and Tommy) - Let's do it all again next semester.

JT's Essential 5 Songs of the Semester:
5)Outkast - Hey Ya
4)Mest - Jaded (These Years)
3)Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz - Get Low
2)The Starting Line - Best of Me
1)Straylight Run - Existentialism on Prom Night

ItsOnlyJT@aol.com

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Page Updated Thu Jan 17, 2008 12:43am EST