I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice with my bare hands. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous cello playing. I can pilot bycicles up several inclines with unflagging speed. And i cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water i defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I was scouted by the Yankees. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a private citizen yet i recieve fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer i toured New Jersey with a centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .600. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I play full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only an mouli and a toaster-oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions on Sri Lanka and spelling bees in Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery and i have spoken with Elvis.
But I have yet to go to get a job.
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