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adoption poems
For My Birthmom
My BirthFather
the heartache
My Health Issues Lupus
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| My Story |
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| Here You Will Read About My Life & Deepest Feelings |
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| Wanted to Share My Other Site With You All http://www.myspace.com/theresainflorida Please Take Time To Read: Adoption: Trauma that Last a Life Time http://vsn.org/trauma.html On August 30,1965 in a small hospital in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla, while hundreds of people were waiting for a major hurricane to land ashore,my mom was giving birth to me..... This started a life filled with secrets that would not be solved for 34 years. I was born on a Monday, Hurricane Betsy came in with a Roar a few days later. For what ever reasons my Mom choose to place me for adoption. Here you will see the only baby photo I have taken at 12 months of age. It is hard to write All the feelings that are a part of Adoption, there is joy the adoptive parents feel when a small child is placed in their arms. There is the unknown questions that surround this child, and somewhere out there is a mother who longs for the child she had to place for adoption. No matter how many years go by or how many more children a woman has she will Never forget the child she had. she may in fact try to hide those feelings so deep inside of her but they are there lurking, waiting to come out. So you have two mothers who will always be joined together a bond that no one can break, they may not know one another but their hearts are tied to one special child who they both will love. As years went by I became more involved with adoption issues. Not that I am against adoption ,I really think it is GREAT!!!!! I do not like all the secrets ,I think all adoption's should be open or at least when the child becomes an adult..everyone wants to know where they came from, who they look like ,and the story behind their life. I have searched for my birth-family for many years, I found my birth mom on July 1,99. I called her on the phone and my gut was in knots, I was so scared ,happy all in one. To hear this voice on the other end and not be able to say "hey mom ,I LOVE YOU" I could not say that because this was my first time calling, I could not say THANK - YOU for giving me up.....she could have had an abortion. Our talk was brief but I felt better hearing her voice, all my searching was done. I don't know the details of my adoption I can only guess she felt in her heart she did the Right thing. I cried when I hung the phone up for deep in my heart I knew she was Not happy to hear from me. All my friends in the Triad world told me” she is in shock give her time" I tried to believe this so hard but I knew it was not true. I tried to tell my husband my fears yet he could say nothing” he did not understand" Nor will he ever. I have searched for many years in secret and this was to be another secret I was to share Alone. So for any of you who have been searching forever, don't give up.. The truth always comes out, and any BIRTHMOM out there DO NOT feel all alone, or guilt for what you did, it was the best thing at the time... As weeks passed I got no word from this lady I called my birthmom.I cried, I sat by the phone in hopes she would call After the Shock.Nothing.!! Then a call came from the adoption agency saying she had called them and asked I NEVER call her again. My Fears had become TRUE. I was mad and Hurt, I cried once again. I tried to speak to my husband about this only to be told "forget about her" How do You Do That I ask? Nobody knows. I asked how can she be so unkind, how could she threaten to Sue me? I wondered what I had done wrong to for my birth mother to reject me. I had grown up in a abusive home and I wondered now if I was what my adoptive parents had always told me " No Good" everything was my Fault. Well I choose to search for my siblings I knew she had kept. And I found my sister. Even thou I knew my bmom did not want me to contact them I said" it is my right" She is not going to control this anymore, so with full speed I went after my siblings. I could not bare to call them ,fear had overcome me...wondering could I take another heartache. So my dearest friend Deanna called my sister. I sat in another state waiting to hear the results. It was my 10th wedding Aniv. that night . Deanna made the call...my sister was shocked. But agreed to speak with me. The phone rang and Deanna says” call your sister" I again cried thanking her for such a wonderful gift to me. I called my sister and for the first time she spoke to me with such kindness ..She was indeed in Shock. She is older then me yet knew nothing of me. What it must be like at age 37 to find out you also have been lied to and have a sister. Thanks to her and an older brother I have been able to see photo's of my Birth mom and get medical history which I needed so badly. See I have Lupus and have spent many month's in the hospital over the years due to it. I will soon meet my siblings, what joy that will be and Yes I am afraid again. will I be good enough for them. Will we feel the sibling bond?? Only time will answer that.. UPDATE: Well I have just come back from a trip to meet my siblings ,2 of them anyways. When I got to the air-port to pick them up I sat and cried while trying to park the car. I could not believe that after all these years I had found them. As I went into the air-port I found myself walking slower, strange I know, and going to their gate I just knew I was having a heart attack. My chest was so heavy, I could not breath without allot of pain. My friends had went with me but I could not have them beside me, I had to do this by myself no one touching me, just me. I stood near a pillar and waited wondering would I see them, I said to myself I will not cry when I see them but tears fell anyways. I have never had a child but from watching others have them I think it was like that. Joy, and yet wanting to know every detail of them. I looked at their eyes, every thing about them, hard to believe they were a part of me. And some how I felt sorrow that we had NOT shared up growing years together. What I feel I missed from them. I never had a Big sister now I do.... I missed those sharing clothes and hair styles, picking flowers together and yes the fighting. When I saw my brother, this to made me happy, him and my sister have such a bond you could see it, many times I wanted to hug them both and just cry but I held back trying not to over whelm them. I can say I am proud to have them as my siblings along with the siblings I grew up with and I hope one day we all can be apart of an extended family .. I guess if there are things I could say to my mother I would first tell her I do not blame her in no way for her choice to place me. I would tell her the many years I cried over her on my birthday. I have wrote letters to her over the years which I will always keep hoping one day to give them to her. I want to give this lady a big HUG from my heart and want to be Her friend, I can say I love her even thou I have never met her, she gave me life, which she did not have to do. Have A Wonderful New Year, Theresa In Fl ** 3 of every 10 Americans Know Someone With Lupus |
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